4/27/17

Someone I Can't Have

is it over yet?
can I open my eyes?
is this as hard as it gets?
is this what it feels like to really cry?

(Cry - Kelly Clarkson) 

Do you know how it feels to be me?

Do you know how it feels when you love someone that belongs to someone else, but then suddenly that someone was thrown away because of some illogical reasons, and the saddest part is I know that he is still...

...someone I can't have? 

I am just an outsider. Yes, I am.

He does not even know me, no way. 

But I have been in love since he was paired with his lover. I have seen how much he loves his lover, how he was never afraid, even to die, just to protect his lover. I have also heard from the lover's friends about how glad they are that the lover got him as a partner, because the lover's exes never did it right. The lover's friends are very happy and satisfied, they quit regretting befriending the lover since the lover improves greatly with his favor.

He was loved. He is still, and will always be.

And I envy the lover just because I want to be loved like that.

But then, lover, what have you done?

You let some of your friends, a LOT of them, forget about everything he had done for you. You let them bash, mock, insult him, as if he never did any good thing. As if you improve alone without anyone's help, while everybody else in this country could even see clearer. You let those friends of yours attack him just because...

...he is different.

And even such difference never relates to what he had done. It was something that has no business with performance, with quality of work, or even with his position as YOUR lover.

Look at now.

You let him go.

You release him just because some of your friends did not want him. You throw him away just because some of your friends thought he tarnished their selfish faith, while they were the only ones thinking that way. But you let them do that. You let them haunt you with fear and threat, that you could not stand to hold him still and choose a break-up instead.

Do you know how it feels to be me?

I am an outsider, but I am with you everyday, and seems like I always would. I have seen how far you've grown, how well you're improved, how I'm glad that even though he is not a fully nice person since he never doubt to yell at those who would harm you, even when improving you he made some parts of you not functioning perfectly but it was always for the sake of the better you, never in a day he treated you improperly.

If you, or some of your friends, did not want him because of him being rude or careless, or even selfish, I would be fine, then. If it was all because he broke some of your friends' places or even breaking some vital parts of yours, OKAY. It means he is no more qualified being your lover.

But...tarnished faith, you said? After all this time?

And now, he is spending his last days, still treating you not less properly than ever. Still loving you, not even less than he ever did. And after you two officially break-up some months later, he might be introduced to someone else to take care of, to be loved. To improve, just like what he did to you and his beautiful ex in another island. Well, I have met his ex and I could not find any better word than 'beautiful' to praise.

And, that someone new would never be me.

Forever. Or at least, as long as I live.

This world is a cruel place. This state is. 

Why should I fall for someone I can't have? Why am I befriending someone who always engaged with terrible lovers, who also befriends people like your friends? Your friends who are always echoing and echoing about their faith but never tried to understand how to live properly as human being?

Why,

Jakarta? 

tak mungkin ada aku
di antara kau dan dia
seperti lagu-lagu cinta di dunia

(Cara Lupakanmu - Gisel)