I am Ashamed to be Useless (and Dammit, It's Not Overrated)!

To be honest, I was jobless for so long. Seriously, so long.

I was graduated in the middle of 2008. Even before the ceremony started, I have applied for jobs to some companies and law firms. Some called me for interviews and test, but I only passed some. Some that didn't give me appropriate salary. And when I said it was inappropriate, it really was. I mean it was under Regional Minimum Wage in Jakarta. WTH? I'm a bachelor degree, and I got bachelor of law after my name, how did they do that to me?

That kind of things happened over and over again. If I were not accepted, I was accepted with inappropriate salary. I was jobless for almost 6 months, while all my friends have been accepted and worked. I was ashamed, I didn't even want to attend events where all my friends were invited. I felt like I couldn't face them if I haven't got a job, even though they wouldn't matter with that.

I once told my friend, honestly my crush, that there were times when I wanted to commit suicide during those jobless days. But he said I was overrated. He wondered why we have to be so ashamed like that. I think he just didn't get the point. And I knew why, because he was never been in my shoes. If I'm not wrong, not long after his graduation day, he was accepted to work in a manufacturing company that belongs to Japan. Dammit! How the heck he would understand how it feels to be in MY shoes, heh? He was absolutely never there. And for more information, if I'm not wrong again, he's still working in that company until now, and I think he's got a high position there since last year he worked in Japan.


But it's not what I wanna talk about in this post. My point is 'it's very normal and human that we feel ashamed when we are useless.'

I felt totally ashamed when I was jobless. It means I was useless. I wasn't productive. I didn't work, I didn't make money, I didn't apply all my knowledge and everything I've studied all the time, since I was kind until I graduated from university. And there's nothing good with being useless. It wasn't good at all, in my case. I didn't make money when I should, so my parents didn't easily give me money if I didn't give good reason or I didn't need it so badly. Life was hard for me. I thank God that I still have place to home, to sleep, to eat. Imagine if I didn't? I would sleep by the corner of the street, eat from dust cans, and beg people for money. I had no savings at all, because how did I save? How did I got the money to save? I was just a newly graduate!

I couldn't face my friends. I only met them who haven't graduated, not them who had found jobs. I once thought that there was no use that I went to university, because I have friends who still got jobs even though they are just high-school graduates. I wanted to commit suicide. I was thinking about the best ways that won't hurt me and straight kill me, from cutting arm until jumping off the roof. I was ashamed when I met my relatives and they asked where I worked, and I became sarcastic when talking about it to them. I was a total bitch. I became a total bitch because I was ashamed of being useless.

And I wonder why people don't get that feeling. I know no one in this world was born to be useless except he/she makes him/herself so, but everyone must find moments when he/she was useless. When others around him/her have been more advanced, and he/she is still standing on the same place from before. When others around him/her have been able to do something for people, while he/she is only sitting in his/her house, doing nothing.

Okay, maybe not everyone would act 'overrated' like me. But...being jobless while the others got jobs? Come on, it's shameful. Although things like that is usually about time, still we must feel ashamed of being jobless, useless. And I thinks it's very normal and human. It's not overrated. People who said it's overrated must be very Indonesia. Sorry, I don't mean to diss this country and its people, but seriously it's like that.

I once heard a story that in developed countries, no one is homeless. The government afford them, although it was just for daily needs. I mean it was just enough for food and clothes, those poor people can't do shopping and pay for entertainment like rich people. It's not so bad, at least they have place to home, to sleep, to eat, and are not naked. but then, do they accept everything and enjoy it? NO.

They look for jobs. They're ashamed of being feed by government, and they must not feel enough only by a place to home, to eat, etc. They have PRIDE. They know they can't just stay lazy, do nothing, and take everything from the government. They work until the government knows they can afford themselves. Oh my God, they just have PRIDE. And it's the high one. Their damn pride is just fuckin' high.

Compared to Indonesian people, what would they do if the government afford their lives? Of course, they would take it happily and never thought to look for job so that the government would afford them until they die. I just learn from what I see, like when the district government gave nine main materials (sembako), the people didn't stay calmly in queue. They just break it just to get the free sembako, so that some people are usually killed in such moments. And do they give a damn to the died people? I am never sure about that, since their purpose is just the free sembako, and they got it successfully.

Please, people, have a high pride! Be ashamed when you're useless! There's nothing wrong with having high pride and feeling ashamed when you're useless, it's not overrated at all. It's normal, it's very human. Please stop depending on other people, just try to stand on your own two feet! Don't sweat the small stuff, just do the best to be not useless anymore. And I think that's what people in developed countries do, so that their countries can be so damn developed.

I'm bored that Indonesia is only a developing country. Since I was kid, since I was studying about this country in elementary school, Indonesia has always been a developING country, until now. It has never been developED. And I'm BO to the RED, since my age will be a quarter of a century by next month.


Turning Tables

If you read my post before, well this one is my conclusion about it. This is the answer about all my confusions in previous post.

So, I listen to Adele's Turning Tables, but the Glee version one, which was performed by Gwyneth Paltrow as Holly Holiday. I checked the lyrics out, and I could imagine what condition that makes Holly sing that song in the episode, because I've listened to (and favorited) this song long before I watched the Night of Neglect episode last night.

Just if you want to know the lyrics, here it is.

Close enough to start a war
All that I have is on the floor
God only knows what we're fighting for
All that I say, you always say more
I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb, I can't breathe
So, I won't let you close enough to hurt me
No, I won't ask you, you to just desert me
I cant give you, what you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables
Under haunted skies I see
Where love is lost, your ghost is found
I braved a hundred storms to leave you
As hard as you try, no I will never be knocked down
Next time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior
When the thunder calls for me
Next time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior
Standing on my own two feet

those lyrics made me realize of what I'm doing. I might be thinking about somebody I deadly loved, and still I adore, but I do nothing. I make no moves. I just stay calm, thinking, then let it go like nothing ever happened. It's all because I don't want to be deserted again. Not by him nor my expectations of him.

Yes, because under his thumb, I can't breathe.

So, I'd rather doing nothing. If Lady Antebellum said 'I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all' in their Need You Now, then it's not valid for me. I don't need any more injuries that distract me from thinking and doing anything more useful. I don't want anything to stand on my way to my dreams no more. Next time I'll be my own savior. I won't make wrong decisions, won't let my heart fall to the wrong no more. I'm gonna quit expecting for uncertain stuff.

Right now, as I said before, I'm numb. I think of somebody, but it's just for a while. I might still love him, but the time has been come to say goodbye to turning tables.

I'm turning tables. I already had.



Ah. Hello there. I'm here to just tell a simply complicated love story. Um...no. Not literally.

So, here it is. Right now, I am numb. I don't feel anything for men, even those that I always saw as my type (skinny, wearing glasses, tall, seems smart, etc.). When I see 'my type', I just thought they were like 'something I ever known before but I don't recognize it.' But don't get me wrong, I'm not closing my heart. If somebody, a man, wants to enter my life, then go ahead. Since the final decision would be on me, just do anything you love to do, but don't expect too high from me. I am numb, but not heart-closed, but unexpected.

Lately, I'm thinking about somebody in my past. Somebody good looking, smart, hard worker, kind, family loving, and...I guess, all the good stuff you can tell.

Not that I wanna fight for him again, I've told you I'm numb so what would I fight for? Besides, my love has been rejected. He wasn't my boyfriend, just a long-term crush, and he only saw me as a friend. But since the way he rejected me was (kinda) inappropriate, I can't be friends with him again.

Oh. I tried to, really. I added his Yahoo messenger again, in Facebook too, but he never seem to appear. Maybe I'm in his block list.

Just if you wanna know about him and all my desperate feelings on him, I have written some notes in Facebook. You can read in here, or here, or here, or here, or here.

I don't know why I lately think about him. The last time I heard he was attending my friend's wedding, alone (not with his girlfriend-seem-to-be), and it was around January. What comes to my mind is that he's single now. But what would I do? Nothing. I won't do anything. I don't feel anything towards him as well. I'm numb.

But I was just...some kinda acting weird when I opened his Facebook profile for fun. I straight scrolled to the down page. I...kinda resisted to see his photos closer. I don't know, maybe I was afraid I'll be trapped in his charm again. Even so, that's just a 'maybe' because my heart didn't skip beats. Lately it can't do.

I'm numb. But...yeah, I am.

Speaking of which, his face looks kinda like this:
Haha he's a model for my doodle! But his hair isn't that brown and his skin color is more tanned. such a good looking man. and what a lucky girl who is meant to be with him :)


Living Like in A Fairytale

Fairytale, fairytale. Nope, this post isn't related to my previous posts about how I wanted to doodle 'Today was A Fairytale' by Taylor Swift. This really is about fairytale, the princess story.

First, I really have no idea about Cinderella. I mean, how come we could live like her? Okay she's being bullied by her stepmother and stepsisters, she was treated like a servant in her own father's house. Then every girl in the country was invited to the prince's party. She was forbidden to attend the party by her stepmom and stepsists, then what did she do? She was crying endlessly, hoping for a magical help, and doing nothing. Yes, in the end there was a fairy godmother came to help her magically. But what if the fairy godmother never comes? I think she would end up crying and giving up, maybe one of her stepsisters would be married to the prince and be a princess.

If I were her, I would do anything to attend the party. I would save some money, or even borrow it from some people I know, since the invitation was spread until the H day. I would sneak out, ask a dressmaker nearby to make me a gown, and do my own hair. I'd borrow my neighbor's shoes, and ride my horse to the castle. There I'd meet the prince and dance with him.

Second, it's miss Sleeping Beauty or Princess Aurora. She was the cursed princess. Everyone in the castle, even some fairies, knew that she was destined die in her 17th birthday, although she wouldn't really die, she just fell asleep. But then she grew up naturally and still arranged a sweet seventeen birthday bash when everyone was invited. and what I didn't get was why she still went to the top of the tower and touched a needle that she knew would kill her. well in the end there was a brave prince coming in to break the curse by kissing her, and she got up. but what if the prince never comes? what if the hidden castle never found behind the rose bush? I think everyone in the castle would just die without the world knows.

If I were her, nope, if I were the king and queen, who were her parents, I'd demolish every sewing machine in my country. It's okay that we can't make clothes, I would import it from other countries. Meanwhile, I'd make my country enriched with agricultural products and mining products. I'd also make the technology in my country the best in the world. So that the people won't lack anything, and my country can always got clothing supplies from the world. I'd also teach my cursed daughter to always be careful about her soul because she was the crown princess who'd lead the country.

If I were the princess, I'd take care of myself very carefully. I won't do anything dangerous that would cost my life. Maybe I'd grow up as a not-adventurous girl, but I'd grow genius because my country's technology is the best and I was taught about how to improve it too. And if in the end I still had to die, I wouldn't want to wait too long for the prince to save me. Geez, I'd be too old when found! So I'd write letters to the whole world, telling how I and my country are in danger because of a witch's curse, and ask for every country to come and help whenever they lost contact with my country.

Oh. Well.

I really think like a country's president. or prime minister. or king. whatever.

That might be why I haven't been a princess who found (or is found by) the prince. but seriously, Cinderella and Aurora should have done better things in their own conditions. Stop crying, Cinderella, do something! And you, Aurora, you're threatened to death, then prepare to save yourself!

Sigh. I don't wanna live like in a fairytale. Because girls in fairytale are weak. they always cried for helps. they never helped themselves. there were always illogical miracle that solve their problems, and I think it won't give good education. maybe I won't let my kids read fairytale too in the future. I'd rather let them read biographies instead.