d u f f

Finally, I am a Master of Intellectual Property Law.

After three years. Yep, three straight years. I've always been wondering why post-graduate students sometimes do not make it just in two years, what could be so hard in writing the thesis, but BAM! It happened to me.

I could not make it in the first semester due to the late assignment of lecturer-in-charge. He was assigned on April while the last presentation would be on June or July. I believed I would not make it just in three months, especially because I have lost all the mood and thrills, also I got a lot to do at workplace.

I almost made it in the second semester, but then a loss happened. A big, sudden loss I never experienced, ever. I mean, this sort of loss happened several times, but they never affected me since as you see, I am not sort of a person easily attached to things, to people. But this one loss affected me. Like...

I don't even want to talk about what kind of loss it is. I never do.

So, I decided to give up on that semester and just tried to recover myself by drawing and drawing so much. I even had my debut at a comic market event, the 12th Comic Frontier or Comifuro 12, since I had a lot of drawings scattered so I thought why didn't I just make them into fan-merchandises and sell them. Turns out that the selling was better than expected. I didn't know there are people in this country beside me who would pay enough attention to Marvel's Venom.

In the third semester, I started to think that I don't want to pay a big amount of money anymore to the campus so I started writing. Actually, maybe, the writing itself does not really take three semesters, I can even make some revisions just in two days, but to find the mood was a hard work, really -_- good thing I finally made it. 

And actually, I heard from a friend that my ex lover is currently studying business law in the same campus with mine. When I heard it, I started calculating when he would graduate and whether we would meet at the graduation ceremony. Since I am bad at math (and everything else), I was terrified and finally found another reason to just finish the thesis and graduate. When everything was done, I tried calculating again and found out that actually we would never meet at the ceremony. My last chance to finish the study is the next semester, means I must be graduating by January 2020 or I would got dropped out. Meanwhile, he is a student of class 2018 and the earliest graduation for him is still in July 2020. Not to mention I still do not want to pay more money to the campus, that I'd rather use that amount to go traveling.

Besides, so what if we met? He didn't even pay for my ceremony :p

Still, I do not want to see him. Not anywhere, not especially in the ceremony. The only place where I want to see him is on my screens.

As one of my children, Daffi R. Zainal.

Well then, until the ceremony.

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I Know Everything

I know everything about me. I always do.

I knew what I wanted to be when I grow up. Although it has changed and changed, but what I become when I grow up is something I always knew.

I know what I want to do after I get this dream job. I will take bar exam, and do practice, and I'll be crowned as a lawyer. This was changed for a while, but I always knew I never let this go, and eventually I never did let go.

I know what I want to do after I become a registered lawyer, or maybe before it. I want to take master degree in Japan. Yet I don't know whether I'll make it or not, but I know I want it.

I know what I want to do some years after I get my master degree and/or lawyer title. I want to establish a TV station which only will air qualified and educative programs. Yet I don't know whether I'll make it or not, but I know I want it so much.

I know what I want to do after my TV station reaching success. I want to participate in local soccer events and organizations to get experience to be the chairwoman of PSSI. Yet I don't know whether I'll make it or not, but I know I care about local soccer and I want to be PSSI chairwoman so much.

I know what I want to do after finishing my job as PSSI chairwoman. I want to participate in president election. Yet I don't know whether I'll make it or not, but I know I will work hard to be someone who deserves that position, and that I want it so much.

Wait. If the last three of my dreams wouldn't come true, I also have known what to do. I will build my lawyer career, build my own law firm, partnering with awesome lawyers, to help people who are troubled with law. This one I have always known since long ago, and I still want it so much.

I always know. I always know everything about myself. What I love, what I want, what I need. I always know. Pitifully, there is one important thing I never know. Not even after I got so many good and bad experiences about this, I still don't know.

I don't know what kind of man I need. I don't know what kind of man that suits me.

Such a simple thing, a lot simpler than my future plans, but I don't know, and I never ever did know, anything about it.

Do I need a geek? Or more suitable with a playboy? Will I be matched with a quiet person, or a fussy one? Would he be so beautiful but dumb, or so brilliant but ugly? Is he a caring or a cool person? Is he so into music and loves to sing like me, or someone who can even play music instrument, or even don't give a damn about it? Would he be skinny or fat? Taller or shorter than me? Is he a family man or someone who is very independent? Does he love animal, or hate it, or don't really give a damn about it? Is he someone from the same major with me, or from a very different major? Does he care about this country and love to discuss it, or don't give a damn and choose to talk nothing about it? Will he be protective to me or he would set me free? Would he support all my future plans or would stand on my way there? Is he religious or not? Does he hate differences or love it? Is he romantic or humorous or calm?

I don't know. I never knew, and I still don't know.

I seem to have dated and fallen in love with all those kind of men I mentioned above, and none of them are still in a loving relationship with me.

So, what kind of man I need?

I don't know.

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Growing-Up

What is the sign of growing up?

Thinking about marriage?

Having settled about a job?

Saving money?

I really have no idea, and lately I feel like not growing up. Not characteristically, of course, because I'm not anymore a little girl. But I'm more about mind-making.

So, after being freakin' crushophobic, I was trapped into stupid uncertain love games with wrong men again. I dated a wrong man, fell in love with wrong man and even thought he was my knight, and so on. So much foolish things about love (read as: shit) happened and today I'm not that so into love. I don't even feel anything when looking at a man. If he was handsome, I just thought 'oh man, he's handsome' and that's all. My heart didn't skip a beat. I am even lazy falling in love. And when I see my-type man (skinny, wearing glasses, blah blah) I just feel like numb. I don't even know whether it's still my type. I just feel like I ever knew something about such kind of man, but I can't remember what.

I'm not afraid of love. Not anymore a crushohphobic. I'm just numb naturally.

Don't get me wrong, I don't turn gay.

But really, without uncertain love stuff, my eyes are opened wider than before. I can see things clearly. I can find my old dreams that I haven't made true. I mean, I haven't become a lawyer still, but at least I'm now on my way there.

So, I have always wanted to take master program in Japan, of course by scholarship. Why there? Oh you simply don't have to ask, because I've been in love for so long with that country and its culture. I know some people will prefer Holland or U.S for studying law, but you know, I'm sometimes unlike any others. I don't really like going to places where most people go. Besides, an ex-dean of my campus took his master of law in Japan, so why can't I?


I know it will be so hard. I can't even understand how to write that damn Kanji, Katakana, nor Hiragana. I know some vocabularies and a few grammars, but I'm really shit into such language. I know it's effin' hard. I haven't taken the course, worse. And if I studied there, I'd have literature maybe in Kanji. Damnshit, I can't even write it, that's more complicated than Arabic fonts!

But say, I won't give in. I'll take the shit course. Yeah I'll pay for it. Oh and, my parents might disagree because I'll be trapped in earthquakes there, but I'll convince them that Japan is not Indonesia at all. That nuclear shit will be okay soon, I believe, and while they work on it I'll study the fonts.

If I didn't get the scholarship, I wouldn't study in other countries. I'll take master program in University of Indonesia, the campus where I took my bachelor of law. So, I'm just between 'is it Japan or Indonesia?', that's it.

Next, I'm craving for iPhone. That I'm told about iPhone 4 lacks of anything, I prefer waiting for iPhone 5 now.


when everyone seems to be Blackberry user, I prefer not to be one. Told ya, sometimes I'm unlike any others. Besides, I've been in love with Apple since I got my iPod Touch from mother for early birthday present. I know it's very associated to iTunes and not compatible with any computers, but who cares? It's freakin' awesome! iPod Touch only lacks phone and messaging features, and the internet can only be accessed by wi-fi. That is why I wanna use it ALL THE TIME. and the only way to make it true is by buying an iPhone.

since I just read that the release of iPhone 5 is postponed until around the end of this year, I think I can take a breathe now. I don't have to push myself saving too much again. I can afford for Japanese course first. Phew.

Now, back to the main topic, I'll be 25 in June. But what am I doing now?

I don't think about getting married. I don't even date anyone, worse, I don't even fall in love (unless with Kenji Kohashi LOL). And when I think about marriage, I feel like lazy. I think if I got married then I couldn't take my master. Besides, I might not be required as a wife yet. I can't cook, I can't wake up early morning, I'm even childish.

But I have a settled job. I save money. I know where I am going now. Am I not growing up yet?

I know everyone seems to get married and giving birth everywhere. Sometimes I envy them, but it was just in a second. In next second I'll be back thinking of iPhone and scholarship. I feel like going back to a teenager who still plans to study and have gadgets. I don't feel like getting married, although I dreamed to have a wedding on 11-11-11.

Am I not growing up yet?

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