I Know Everything

I know everything about me. I always do.

I knew what I wanted to be when I grow up. Although it has changed and changed, but what I become when I grow up is something I always knew.

I know what I want to do after I get this dream job. I will take bar exam, and do practice, and I'll be crowned as a lawyer. This was changed for a while, but I always knew I never let this go, and eventually I never did let go.

I know what I want to do after I become a registered lawyer, or maybe before it. I want to take master degree in Japan. Yet I don't know whether I'll make it or not, but I know I want it.

I know what I want to do some years after I get my master degree and/or lawyer title. I want to establish a TV station which only will air qualified and educative programs. Yet I don't know whether I'll make it or not, but I know I want it so much.

I know what I want to do after my TV station reaching success. I want to participate in local soccer events and organizations to get experience to be the chairwoman of PSSI. Yet I don't know whether I'll make it or not, but I know I care about local soccer and I want to be PSSI chairwoman so much.

I know what I want to do after finishing my job as PSSI chairwoman. I want to participate in president election. Yet I don't know whether I'll make it or not, but I know I will work hard to be someone who deserves that position, and that I want it so much.

Wait. If the last three of my dreams wouldn't come true, I also have known what to do. I will build my lawyer career, build my own law firm, partnering with awesome lawyers, to help people who are troubled with law. This one I have always known since long ago, and I still want it so much.

I always know. I always know everything about myself. What I love, what I want, what I need. I always know. Pitifully, there is one important thing I never know. Not even after I got so many good and bad experiences about this, I still don't know.

I don't know what kind of man I need. I don't know what kind of man that suits me.

Such a simple thing, a lot simpler than my future plans, but I don't know, and I never ever did know, anything about it.

Do I need a geek? Or more suitable with a playboy? Will I be matched with a quiet person, or a fussy one? Would he be so beautiful but dumb, or so brilliant but ugly? Is he a caring or a cool person? Is he so into music and loves to sing like me, or someone who can even play music instrument, or even don't give a damn about it? Would he be skinny or fat? Taller or shorter than me? Is he a family man or someone who is very independent? Does he love animal, or hate it, or don't really give a damn about it? Is he someone from the same major with me, or from a very different major? Does he care about this country and love to discuss it, or don't give a damn and choose to talk nothing about it? Will he be protective to me or he would set me free? Would he support all my future plans or would stand on my way there? Is he religious or not? Does he hate differences or love it? Is he romantic or humorous or calm?

I don't know. I never knew, and I still don't know.

I seem to have dated and fallen in love with all those kind of men I mentioned above, and none of them are still in a loving relationship with me.

So, what kind of man I need?

I don't know.