Growing-Up

What is the sign of growing up?

Thinking about marriage?

Having settled about a job?

Saving money?

I really have no idea, and lately I feel like not growing up. Not characteristically, of course, because I'm not anymore a little girl. But I'm more about mind-making.

So, after being freakin' crushophobic, I was trapped into stupid uncertain love games with wrong men again. I dated a wrong man, fell in love with wrong man and even thought he was my knight, and so on. So much foolish things about love (read as: shit) happened and today I'm not that so into love. I don't even feel anything when looking at a man. If he was handsome, I just thought 'oh man, he's handsome' and that's all. My heart didn't skip a beat. I am even lazy falling in love. And when I see my-type man (skinny, wearing glasses, blah blah) I just feel like numb. I don't even know whether it's still my type. I just feel like I ever knew something about such kind of man, but I can't remember what.

I'm not afraid of love. Not anymore a crushohphobic. I'm just numb naturally.

Don't get me wrong, I don't turn gay.

But really, without uncertain love stuff, my eyes are opened wider than before. I can see things clearly. I can find my old dreams that I haven't made true. I mean, I haven't become a lawyer still, but at least I'm now on my way there.

So, I have always wanted to take master program in Japan, of course by scholarship. Why there? Oh you simply don't have to ask, because I've been in love for so long with that country and its culture. I know some people will prefer Holland or U.S for studying law, but you know, I'm sometimes unlike any others. I don't really like going to places where most people go. Besides, an ex-dean of my campus took his master of law in Japan, so why can't I?


I know it will be so hard. I can't even understand how to write that damn Kanji, Katakana, nor Hiragana. I know some vocabularies and a few grammars, but I'm really shit into such language. I know it's effin' hard. I haven't taken the course, worse. And if I studied there, I'd have literature maybe in Kanji. Damnshit, I can't even write it, that's more complicated than Arabic fonts!

But say, I won't give in. I'll take the shit course. Yeah I'll pay for it. Oh and, my parents might disagree because I'll be trapped in earthquakes there, but I'll convince them that Japan is not Indonesia at all. That nuclear shit will be okay soon, I believe, and while they work on it I'll study the fonts.

If I didn't get the scholarship, I wouldn't study in other countries. I'll take master program in University of Indonesia, the campus where I took my bachelor of law. So, I'm just between 'is it Japan or Indonesia?', that's it.

Next, I'm craving for iPhone. That I'm told about iPhone 4 lacks of anything, I prefer waiting for iPhone 5 now.


when everyone seems to be Blackberry user, I prefer not to be one. Told ya, sometimes I'm unlike any others. Besides, I've been in love with Apple since I got my iPod Touch from mother for early birthday present. I know it's very associated to iTunes and not compatible with any computers, but who cares? It's freakin' awesome! iPod Touch only lacks phone and messaging features, and the internet can only be accessed by wi-fi. That is why I wanna use it ALL THE TIME. and the only way to make it true is by buying an iPhone.

since I just read that the release of iPhone 5 is postponed until around the end of this year, I think I can take a breathe now. I don't have to push myself saving too much again. I can afford for Japanese course first. Phew.

Now, back to the main topic, I'll be 25 in June. But what am I doing now?

I don't think about getting married. I don't even date anyone, worse, I don't even fall in love (unless with Kenji Kohashi LOL). And when I think about marriage, I feel like lazy. I think if I got married then I couldn't take my master. Besides, I might not be required as a wife yet. I can't cook, I can't wake up early morning, I'm even childish.

But I have a settled job. I save money. I know where I am going now. Am I not growing up yet?

I know everyone seems to get married and giving birth everywhere. Sometimes I envy them, but it was just in a second. In next second I'll be back thinking of iPhone and scholarship. I feel like going back to a teenager who still plans to study and have gadgets. I don't feel like getting married, although I dreamed to have a wedding on 11-11-11.

Am I not growing up yet?