Seharusnya Kamu

Bilakah waktu dapat kuulang kembali untuk mencintaimu?

Kukira tugas itu dilimpahkan hanya kepadaku. Ya, tugas untuk mencairkan hatinya. Pria yang bagaikan es, yang kupikir dapat mencair bila kusinari dengan cahayaku. Aku percaya keberadaanku di dunia adalah untuk itu. Aku percaya ialah bukti keberadaanku.

Ya, aku percaya. Karena kamu pun mempercayaiku.

Kamu yang selalu di sisiku. Mempercayaiku. Berkata aku mampu. Menopangku ketika redup cahayaku, agar bersinar selalu. 

Tiga kali aku jatuh dan bangkit kembali. Tiga kali cahayaku meredup, namun kau buat ia terang berkali-kali. Aku muak bersinar terang, setiap detik, tanpa hasil. Aku muak berjuang tanpa hasil. Namun aku sendiri yang memutuskan untuk kembali, selalu aku. Dan kamu selalu berada di sana. Di sisiku, mendukungku. 

Hingga badai itu datang, membawamu pergi dariku.

Kuputuskan untuk mundur, tiada lagi bercahaya untuk sang gunung es. Aku muak. Lelah. Dan aku tahu, tak sedikitpun cahayaku berguna. Apapun yang kulakukan tak berhasil mencairkannya. Kepercayaanku hilang. Hidupku bukan untuknya. 

Dan aku tahu, badai itu tidak berlalu karena kamu melindungiku agar ia tak menyakitiku. Kamu tidak lagi berada di sisiku agar tidak lagi mendukungku, karena kamu tahu dukunganmu pun tidak berarti. Hanya akan membuatku ingin bersinar kembali tanpa bisa mengubah apapun. Hanya akan membuatku sakit.

Lalu aku memilihmu. Aku memilih untuk berhenti agar kamu kembali ke sisiku. Entah bagimu, tapi kamu adalah salah satu hal terbaik yang pernah terjadi dalam hidupku. Singkat, namun setiap detik tersimpan rapi dalam waktuku. Caramu melindungiku yang kuharap kutahu sejak awal, namun ketika kutahu, aku tahu aku terlambat.

Tak pernah ku tahu kapan kau akan kembali ke sisiku. Tak mampu pula aku berharap. Aku menghormati keputusanmu untuk tidak berada dekat denganku, tak sanggup mengusikmu. Namun andai waktu dapat kuputar kembali...

...kurasa, aku ingin mencintaimu.

Aku ingin bersinar untukmu. Aku ingin berjuang mendapatkan hatimu. Meski sulit, meski kamu tak seperti pria-pria yang selalu menarik perhatianku. Tapi, mungkin akan jauh lebih berarti. Mengapa tidak? Mengapa tidak mencintaimu, yang selalu berada di sisiku? Mengapa tidak menyayangimu yang selalu menyayangiku? Mengapa tidak mempedulikanmu yang selalu memikirkanku? Mengapa tidak mengejarmu yang tak pernah berhenti mempercayaiku?

Bukan untuk mendapatkan cintamu. Bukan pula semata untuk menjadikanmu kekasihku. Hanya mencintaimu. Hanya itu. Hanya karena kamu pantas mendapatkan hatiku.

 

Hanya karena kamulah yang layak untuk cintaku. Bukan dia.

Namun, seperti yang selalu terjadi pada siapapun, bukan?

Ya.

Penyesalan selalu datang terlambat. 

Teruntuk kalian yang memiliki kisah serupa. Yang mengalami salah alamat saat mengirim sang cinta.

Continue

Hate is Love

Do you ever hate anyone in your life?

No worries. It's human being. To hate, to love, to give damn, to give none, it's all about being a human. I never known anyone who never felt those feelings. Because if I did, I must have met an angel. Or God, maybe.

At the time being (aha, now I sound like my boss) I want to talk about the 'hate'.

We must have ever hated anyone. The reason is various. Maybe he/she annoys us. Maybe he/she has different opinion. Maybe he/she stabs us is the back. Maybe he/she stains our names. Maybe he/she is more beautiful. Maybe he/she is smarter. Maybe he/she is richer. Maybe he/she wins heart of people we expect to be our lovers. And there are still lots of maybe I haven't mentioned here. But we must have ever experienced hating someone. Maybe not openly, maybe silently. We can do it by many ways.

What do you think when you hate someone?

I ever once, twice, posted in December last year. It was about a wicked witch in a village. Yes, it was about an unwanted employee in my previous office. I hated him, so much. And because I hated him, everything he did looked wrong in my eyes. Including ordinary actions. Actions that, before I hated him, looked fine in my eyes. 

But then I realize. When I hated him, I was thinking of him. He was in my mind, as a person I hated. His particular actions were running in my mind. His annoying voice was echoing in my head. He was simply in my mind until we finally cut all our connections. Then, what was the difference between him and my friends? What was the difference between him and my family? Both of them are always in my mind, right?

Yes, the feeling is different. Still, all of them are in the same places: my heart and mind.

So, why can't we conclude that he was as important as my friends and family?

Because if he wasn't, he wouldn't be anywhere in my life. None of him would be in my heart and mind. I would give no damn about him, wouldn't even think he was alive.

My question is now: don't you think that 'hate' is a different way to 'love'?

I have reached such a conclusion. 'Hate' is a different way to love. You hate him? Yes, you love him. You hate her? Yes, you love her. Because do you know why parents yell to their kids when the kids make mistakes? Yes, because they love the kids, but they show it with a 'hate' action.

The difference is only one: to hate is tiring and giving bad impact to our heart and mind. Do you want to discuss about this? I don't. I think it's obvious. You may contact me personally to talk about it, if you want to.

Love your haters. Because like your family and friends, you have special places in their hearts.

p.s: I have made a reconciliation with the 'hated' ex-coworker. We're friends again like nothing ever happened :)

Continue

Natural Love

You can never force love.

Everyone in this world must has his/her own favorite type of woman and man. I surely have one too. Out of all men, I love the geeky or nerdy type. Them with skinny body, wearing glasses is more preferable. I don't know why I love watching them and want to have a lover like them (or have them as my lovers). 

That's a taste, I guess. Like my taste to chocolates, to eggs, but I have no taste to fruit. I have no taste to manly man, them who are muscular and protective to the girls. 

I once thought, whoever the man, as long as he's nerdy or geeky, especially glasses-worn, I will always fall for him. No matter what, I thought I'll always easily fall for this kind of man. 

So when my friend offered to introduce me with one man with this type, I approved easily. That day, I already fell in love with someone, but since I wasn't anyone's girlfriend yet, why should I close my eyes and heart?

But what happened was kind of surprising me. I was pushed to fall in love with this 'geeky' man, I was even teased and forced to read signs, but...still, I didn't fall. I admired him, but I know it wasn't love. I ever thought I was standing on a crossroad of choosing between this 'geeky' man and the man I already loved, but I had always decided to choose the man I already loved.

Since I know that love is never about who comes first into one's life, I can conclude I never fell in love with this geek. While guess what? He was extremely sexy in my eyes. He got the brain, the look, and the attitude, 3 things that can win my heart. He never lacked of anything to make him lose to the man I already loved. I can tell he was perfect.

But I never fell for him. I am just his hardcore fangirl.

Until one day I figured out he was matched to another girl, and I was just like...'Oh, I know now. This is why you were never my choice, no matter what you have done for me. I was like already know you were not the one.' Then I gave up. That easily. Like it wasn't me. 

This kind of thing also happened to other man. I met him in a public transportation I was used to ride because our houses are close to each others. I was curious of him when we haven't introduced ourselves, since he was geeky and I ever saw him wearing glasses once, he was sexy. Until one day we were trapped in a traffic caused by flood, and we went home together, introducing ourselves. 

After that, we still got the same ride. But I felt nothing towards him, even when we've talked a lot and I know he has brain, look, and attitude. This man is, seriously, handsome, and religious, you girls must be running for him.

But no, I don't. I feel nothing but being his friend. I even planned to match him with my friend who looks for a Sumatranese man, because she has equal beauty compared to this man.

My conclusion is: love is really a natural thing. Just because the person is our type, doesn't mean our hearts will be won like turning the palm over. Meanwhile, even though the person is not our type, when it comes to love, we'll just love. That naturally.

Continue

Beautiful Gravity

Just a little bit inspired by Rihanna's California King Bed, Princessa's I Wanna Live With You, and Endy Daniyanto's Closer. You know, 'inspired' means literally, I don't really write it as similar as those song lyrics, or maybe what I write is not related at all to those lyrics.

I ruined the rhyme because when I wrote this on my way to Masjid At-Tin to attend my coworkers' wedding and on my way home from there, I just thought to WRITE this. I pulled out everything from my mind, I didn't think of the rhyme.

Or maybe I just think to create original lines, no matter they rhyme or not.

Actually, I wonder whether it's a good thing to do in writing a poem. I'm not a registered nor certified poet, this is jut a hobby, so I don't really consider it. And the result is way different from real poet's work.

Things made by people who are passionate are usually much better than things made by people who only take it as hobby.

Taken from last line in one of my posts, I proudly present Beautiful Gravity. I want to see you hate it, so that there'll be some sarcasm comments here. I want to see you despise it because it's not related to the inspiration sources at all.

I want to see you hate it, because I've been hated for having the story in the poem HAPPENED.

I saw you standing in the rain

In a labyrinth of long loneliness

I looked through your empty eyes

Found a missing piece I've been searching

We had everyday by getting closer

I sang to you every rhyme you can hold on

You listened carefully just to see me happy

Our own universe was almost built perfectly

But still there's a door you close

And I'm not brave enough to unlock the key

While anyone against the world of you and me

I decided many times to run and leave you behind

I tried my best to spread my half wing and fly

But you always succeed pulling me back into your side

You saw me falling hard to the ground

I screamed and cried for anyone to help me out

You did nothing as if nothing happened

But once I got my strength back, you cheered me up

I am on my way understanding you

You're one step ahead believing me

Beautiful gravity, you grab me tight whenever I go

Erase every doubt of we're the one for each other

Continue

Mengukur Tekad

Bagaimana cara mengetahui seberapa besar tekadmu untuk meraih sesuatu? Bagaimana cara mengukur dalamnya perasaanmu terhadap hal yang kamu inginkan?

Mudah.

Saat seluruh dunia memintamu, bahkan memaksamu, bahkan melakukan hal-hal yang sangat ofensif untuk membuatmu mundur dari perjuanganmu, namun kamu tetap tidak mau dan tidak bisa mundur.

Kamu mungkin saat itu tidak paham kenapa kamu begitu menginginkannya. Tapi kamu merasakan 'kebenaran' disana. Kamu tahu kamu lahir di dunia ini untuk berada di sana. Untuk mendapatkannya. Meski seluruh dunia menentang, termasuk orang-orang yang kamu percaya, kamu tidak mundur. Kamu maju, dan kamu berusaha keras meyakinkan dunia bahwa inilah jalanmu. Bahwa kamu bisa, kamu mampu, kamu layak mendapatkannya.

Atau mungkin bisa juga diukur dengan ujian sederhana. Saat sesuatu yang kamu inginkan itu nampak begitu mustahil untuk kamu raih. Saat kamu merasa tidak mampu mendapatkannya. Tapi kamu tetap tidak berhenti melangkah. Apapun kamu lakukan untuk berada di sana, entah mengubah strategi atau berjuang lebih keras lagi.

Bila kamu memutuskan untuk mundur dengan mudah, artinya tekadmu memang tidak besar. Perasaanmu tidak cukup dalam. Dan mungkin kamu merasakan bahwa hal itu tidak cukup berharga untuk kamu kejar, kemudian kamu mencari hal lain yang lebih berharga.

Hidup itu perjuangan tanpa akhir. Satu masalah selesai, masalah lain menunggu di depan mata. Seberapa kuat kamu bisa menghadapi semuanya?

Semakin banyak kamu memperjuangkan hidupmu, semakin kamu akan bisa melihat mana hal yang layak kamu perjuangkan dan yang lebih baik kamu tinggalkan.

Continue

Foto dan Gravitasi

Malam ini aku melihat-lihat foto lama. Foto-foto di akun muka buku. Aku lama berkutat dengan album yang berisi foto yang diambil pada pertengahan bulan ke-sebelas di tahun lalu.

Entah kenapa.

Mungkin bukan entah kenapa. Mungkin karena aku kurang lebih merindukannya. Apalagi aku sudah keburu mengatakan padamu dan seluruh dunia untuk 'move on' dari kamu.

Yah. Seolah 'move on' bisa dilakukan semudah membalik telapak tangan.

Mataku bukan terpaku pada foto-foto di album itu. Tapi foto lain yang tidak kuunggah dalam album itu. Foto diriku. Foto yang diambil olehmu dengan kamera ponselmu yang seluruhnya berjumlah 4 foto, yang kemudian kamu kirimkan kepadaku via sebuah aplikasi chat untuk ponsel.

Dan keempatnya ternyata masih tersimpan dalam hard disk-ku.

Empat foto yang cantik. Aku suka semua caraku tersenyum di sana. Tapi apakah memang itu yang menjadikannya cantik? Bukan karena kamu yang memotretnya?

Aku pernah menulis sebuah novel (syukurlah, kali ini sampai selesai) dimana salah dua dari lima tokoh utamanya adalah pasangan fotografer (pria) dan pengacara (wanita). Si pria sangat suka memotret si wanita, dan entah kenapa si wanita tidak pernah tampak secantik di dalam foto-foto yang diambil si pria.

Aku, kurang lebih, tiba-tiba merasa seperti itu. Seolah empat fotoku nampak indah karena kamu yang mengambilnya. Atau bisa juga aku tersenyum sebagus itu karena aku sadar kamu sedang memotretku.

Entahlah.

Dan tiba-tiba aku merindukan rambut panjangku seperti dalam foto itu. Rambut panjang yang seminggu setelah foto itu diambil kupotong sebagai pernyataan move on keduaku darimu.

Oh ya, aku sudah move on sebanyak kira-kira tiga kali darimu. Dan aku selalu kembali padamu seolah kamu adalah gaya gravitasi.

'Move on' kali ini adalah yang keempat kalinya. Bukan aku ingin menantang, tapi aku cukup penasaran masihkah gaya gravitasimu bisa menarikku kembali?

Ah. Yah. Pertanyaan itu sudah jelas jawabannya, bukan?

Screw you, beautiful gravity.

*an attempt to post in Bahasa Indonesia inspired from a photo of mine, none of the above is true story, only a practice in writing.*

Continue

Crossroad

When I was still jobless, I was standing on a crossroad. I was confused until I was sick. My body couldn't seem to help my confusion. I didn't know where to go, which road to cross. I have no idea of which one was best for me.

In the 2nd week since my resignation, I was accepted in a law firm. I had a strong feeling since the first moments that I would be accepted, because I passed the written test and my name was number one on the list (while I wasn't sure because I answered the questions without any preparations, without studying, just a dictionary with me). In the interview session, the partner and associates were like so attracted to me. I actually was attracted too, but when they said I was over qualified and they can't pay my expected salary, I thought twice.

It came true. I got a phone call, saying I was accepted and I must come to the office by 2 days after the phone call day. I said yes. But then I was thinking again, about the 'over-qualified' and the salary. While I actually had another test in another law firm and I was called for an interview. I was more attracted to the 'other' law firm because of its location and seemed like they could pay my expected salary. I spent the night in confusion. I had no idea which way to turn. Whether I must take the firm that accepted me, or wait a little longer for a better opportunity.

The next day, I was sick. I got a terrible sudden fever.

But I still went to the other firm for the interview. Poor that they can't decide right away of my acceptance. And since my fever was getting worse, I finally decided to release the firm that accepted me. I felt wrong. I called them by phone, saying I couldn't join them and apologized. They understood my decision. But then I cried. Tears just suddenly dropped from my eyes, I somehow felt hurt of letting go of something I wanted so much: a litigation law firm.

In the end, I wasn't accepted in the 'other' firm. I was accepted in a firm whose invitation was neglected by me at first, but I asked for a reschedule to them and they gave me a chance. Now here I am, in a place that I unexpectedly expected.

I was alone in a crossroad. No one was standing beside me. Some family members and friends gave me advices, but still I was the decision maker. But that's how my life always been. I am always the decision maker. Everyone may say anything, but no one can interfere me, not even standing on my way to get what I want.

My confusion turned into a poem. I analogized 'jobs' with 'loved people'. I think it's sort of similar, when you stand in a crossroad of which job to take, or which man/woman to fight for and be your lover. It's titled 'Crossroad.'

I'm just a girl in a crossroad
I'm in between two choices
I don't know which way to go
For I care about both

I'm just a girl in a crossroad
One way leads to ice mountain
I'm a sun who needs to shine there
I realize I must cross this path

I'm just a girl in a crossroad
Another way leads to green grass
A place I need to lay my head down
Because I'm tired of staying strong

I'm just a girl in a crossroad
Don't judge me for you never know
What it feels to be in my side
What it feels to have no idea

I'm just a girl in a crossroad
I'm not playing with hearts
I mean every word I say
And I mean my purpose to get there

I'm just a girl in a crossroad
One way is what I care about
The other is what I adore most
Why should I choose only one?

I'm just a girl in a crossroad
I'm just falling in love
And all I have is just love
For two hearts

Continue

Exposing Clothes and Self-Appreciation

Coworker A: you'll look better if you button that part of your shirt.

Coworker B: why should I? This shirt is should be worn like this.

Coworker A: yeah, but you must respect yourself by buttoning it.

Coworker B: what?

Then I checked of how Coworker B wore her shirt, turn out she wore a tanktop before her shirt, which made her unbutton her shirt.

How do you respect yourself?

This question is more like for girls. I wonder, if we wore clothes exposing our skin, why are we judged as 'not respecting ourselves' or even 'bitchy?

We just wore it because we love it. We feel comfortable. We are confident with our body shape, and we want to show the world that what we have is beautiful. Maybe some of us wore it just for exposing to attract guys, but what about the rest of us?  Do you think that all the girls who wore clothes exposing skin are bitches?

How about the inside of us? You don't consider it, just because we wore exposing clothes?

Dressing up is important, to show the world how you respect yourself. That is why there are  jobs called 'fashion stylist' and 'fashion designer'. Designers are here to design clothes for typical occassions. The stylists know how to choose clothes for typical occassions. We don't have to be certified designers or stylists to be fashionable. Fashionable alone means wearing proper clothes according to the occassions. When you're relaxing at home, you can wear your tee and shorts. When you go to a party, wear your dress or tuxedo. When you go holiday in a beach, wear swimsuits or hotpants + tee.

When we are wearing proper clothes, no matter it is exposing or not, in a proper occassion, don't you think it's enough?

And you can't judge us like that. If we keep trying to act good towards others, does it still matter what we wear? Maybe we won't perform perfectly, but at least we don't try to hurt others without reason. And does it still matter of what we wear?

Continue

April Surrender

I don't usually do poem request. But the crowd seems to want me to write one (or maybe more until they're satisfied).

This poem is about 'move-on' moment. You know...you're in love (in this poem, maybe with your best friend) and you're hopeless, then you know you have to let go. Such things. Um...I guess I ever made such poems before, in around November. But it was not by request. LOL.

Writing a poem is totally my hobby, not my passion. So it's a little bit weird to do request since this is not my job and I'm not professionally required. But why not seeing this as a new lesson to learn? Like my most favorite line in this poem: 'loving you wasn't a regret definitely, every day is a lesson learned for me.'

Since I wrote this today in the morning when the sun shone bright and I was on the way to Kelurahan to make E-KTP, I feel like this gloomy poem seems cheering instead. I guess the weather influenced my mood. And I title this as 'April Surrender' because, I repeat, I wrote this today, April 1st.

Do you like it or hate it?

The sun is shining brightly
Today is going like usually
The difference is just in me
This early April is kind of gloomy

Last night I finally realized
Picking you has been wrongly decided
Not that my eyes were stubbornly closed
Just nobody let them wide opened

But put all your trust in me
Nothing will change between you and me
You're still a friend you can be
You still got my back perfectly
Loving you wasn't a regret definitely
Every day was a lesson learned for me

It's 10AM, everything's stable
Giving up on you, will I be able?
Most of the time I will stumble
Now I won't, this is unbreakable

For everything I did, I'm sorry
I bet all my poems kept you worry
But to have you stay around calmly
I believe you're a friend undoubtedly

Thank you for being in my life
Because of you I know how to be wise
Every little truth I saw in your eyes
Let me see how I'm worth alive

Honestly I know the words are not original, not typical. But I quite like it. How about you?

Continue