Bahwa Bila Aku Tiada...

Aku sering membaca.

Membaca dan mendengar tulisan dan lisan manusia tentang ingin mereka. Tentang mereka yang ingin dicintai dan mencintai. Ingin dicintai dengan cara seperti ini oleh orang seperti itu. Ingin mencintai orang seperti ini dengan cara seperti itu.

Aku tertawa. Mengejek. Bertanya.

Hai manusia, bagaimana bila ingin itu dikembalikan kepada kalian? Memangnya kalian mampu menjadi orang seperti ini dan memberikan cinta seperti itu? Memangnya kalian mampu mencintai orang seperti ini dengan cara seperti itu?

Tanya itu lalu kembali kepadaku. Tanya yang membuatku menempa diri dan rasa dari tak sempurna menjadi selangkah mendekati sempurna, meskipun itu menurutku saja.

Hingga aku mungkin tidak lagi tahu siapa yang ingin kucinta dan dengan cara seperti apa.

Namun demikian, aku juga manusia. Aku memiliki ingin yang sama.

Aku ingin mencintai siapa yang mampu menunjukkan dan mengatakan bahwa hanya denganku hidupnya sempurna. Bahwa tanpa adaku tak ada arti dirinya.

Bahwa bila aku tiada, hidup rasa mati-lah yang dijalaninya.

Maka untuknya jaminku atas cinta yang tak bisa diukur dengan angka.

Continue

Persistently Stay

Where should I start writing this post?

If I wrote the real condition that inspires this new poem I made, I feel like it's not fair. I feel like I'm bitchier than the bitchiest bitch, I will feel so cruel. Because overall I will write about the condition one-sidedly, which is so not fair for the other side.

But I might be giving the big picture. So this is it. Somebody is now in his hardest condition of his life, and in such a condition he seems to decide to keep me away without quitting being someone in my life. Maybe waiting for me to leave first? I don't know, though. And since I'm not kind of person who leaves first, but I feel uneasy everyday, I decide to go back to the real me: writing a poem in any conditions.

So, this is the poem. I titled it 'Stay' to represent my persistence, to represent myself who stubbornly resists to leave. Because until I know that I must, until I know that my leaving is the best thing to happen, I will not go anywhere.

Do you like it or hate it? I was firstly confused of what I wrote, but when I read it twice, I fell in love. I feel like writing well the persistence and strong heart through this poem.

It's raining outside and you're standing there
Within a cruel cold you can barely bear
You cry, surrender for anything to care
As the water slowly runs down through your hair

I wonder why you don't let me in
I thought we were stronger than we're seen
You choose to face alone the life so keen
While I'm here clueless, not knowing what I mean

But if you ask me to leave, I won't
I live to see all the broken pieces you count

Go run faster and fly higher
Make all your dreams truer and clearer
As you know the world will slap you harder
That you'll get hurt, drown in pain deeper

This is your life, a choice that you made
The way you wish to get kind of high grade
But whenever you feel you're going to fade
Come home to me, somewhere you're no shade

I will be staying when the rest leaves
So that you know where your direction leads

Don't try to give up or even think about it
Either on me, on us, on whatever you hit
Give all your best even there's just a little bit
And let what's left of you slowly finish it

Here I am to persistently stay
As I think of you, lift my hands and pray

Continue

Nervous

Jarum detik di jam dinding, yang berjarak tiga kubikel dari meja tempatku saat ini duduk, kini terdengar lebih jelas. Seolah sealun dengan bunyi keyboard yang kuketik untuk mengerjakan terjemahan laporan yang kamu buat. 

Mengapa?

Aku belum lama berada di sini. Aku juga belum mengenalmu lebih jauh dari rekan satu tim. Frekuensi berbicara denganmu mungkin bisa kuhitung dengan jari. Tapi kamu yang saat ini duduk di sampingku sambil sibuk dengan BlackBerry di tanganmu, menungguku menyelesaikan terjemahanku, membuat pusing kepalaku dan memacu laju debar jantungku.

Hanya dengan duduk di sampingku. Ya, hanya itu. Duduk di sampingku, menunggu terjemahanku, seolah menemaniku.

Kepalaku terasa berputar. Tuhan...apa bahasa Inggris 'gugatan'? Astaga, sudah berjuta kali aku menerjemahkan dokumen-dokumen dengan kata 'gugatan' di dalamnya, bagaimana mungkin aku melupakannya? 

'Oh, ya, 'LAWSUIT'!'

Segera kembali kuketik kata itu, kutimbulkan lagi suara keyboard yang berbunyi cepat. Dan kamu masih juga sibuk dengan BlackBerry-mu. Semoga kamu tidak menyadari kebodohanku barusan, yang terjadi gara-gara kamu ada di sini. 

'Duh, kenapa kamu harus ada di sini? Bukankah nanti pasti akan kuberi tahu bila sudah selesai?'

Tapi mana bisa aku mengusirmu dengan kata-kata itu. Dudukmu nampak nyaman, apalagi dengan ponsel pintar yang sejak tadi sibuk kamu mainkan itu. Ditambah lagi...yah, aku memang tidak ingin kamu ke mana-mana.

Bodoh memang. Kurasa aku bertepuk sebelah tangan lagi. Biarlah, setidaknya waktu yang singkat ini terasa cukup menyenangkan. 

Akhirnya kuselesaikan terjemahanku. Kuberitahu kamu, lalu kamu beranjak dari meja untuk mengambil buku yang berisi daftar nomor surat. Aku menghela nafas. Akhirnya debar di jantungku berhenti berlarian cepat. Gila. Bagaimana bisa seorang kamu, yang belum lama kukenal, bahkan jarang mengobrol denganku, membuat otak dan hatiku jungkir balik seperti orang bodoh?

Kamu kembali dengan dua buah buku, duduk lagi di sampingku. Kualihkan pandanganku kembali ke monitor agar tak menatapmu, karena debar jantungku sedang bersiap untuk berlari cepat lagi. 

"Lho, kok gue ambil buku supir, sih?"

Pertanyaan yang kamu ajukan kepada dirimu sendiri dengan nada kaget bercampur bingung itu membuatku menoleh kaget.

"Hah?"

Hanya itu yang sempat kukatakan sebelum kamu beranjak lagi untuk mengambil buku yang benar. Aku terkikik geli. Rupanya kamu salah mengambil buku, malah buku daftar pemakaian supir kantor yang kamu bawa tadi. Senyum puas perlahan terukir di wajahku selagi kamu pergi.

Sepertinya yang gugup bukan hanya aku.

Continue

Kubikel

Pernah jatuh cinta pada rekan kerjamu? Yaaa lebih spesifiknya: teman sekantormu?

Bila kamu bekerja pada kantor yang cukup besar yang di dalamnya terdapat banyak lawan jenis berbentuk rekan kerja, kemungkinan ini tidak kecil. Terlebih bila peraturan perusahaan tidak melarang adanya hubungan asmara antara para karyawannya.

Sebentar, jangankan kantor besar. Dulu saya pernah bekerja di kantor yang sangat kecil dengan jumlah karyawan tidak lebih dari tujuh orang, dan saya ternyata bisa jatuh cinta dengan salah satunya. Dengan mengesampingkan fakta bahwa memang si karyawan ini tipe kesukaan saya dan single. Intinya, memang percintaan di dunia perkantoran tidak menuntut kantor besar atau kecil. Itu terjadi begitu saja.

Ah, yaaah cinta memang selalu terjadi begitu saja. Tidak ada angin, tidak ada hujan, tidak ada notifikasi, warning, atau peringatan, apalagi somasi pertama dan kedua. 

Jangankan peringatan, seringkali objeknya pun tidak terduga. 

Kembali ke cerita saya di atas, cerita cinta saya di kantor kecil itu tidak berakhir indah. Saya malah bertengkar habis-habisan dengan si karyawan yang saya taksir itu, karena saya jengkel dengan sifatnya. Berbekal pengalaman itu, saya bertekad untuk sebisa mungkin menghindari percintaan di kantor. Karena saya yakin, seprofesional apapun saya berusaha, pada akhirnya hubungan emosional itu akan mempengaruhi kinerja saya (dan mungkin dia).

Tekad itu yang saya bawa ketika saya bekerja di kantor baru yang kebetulan besar, dengan jumlah karyawan hampir 30 orang, dan tidak melarang hubungan asmara antar karyawan. Saya pada awalnya bahkan kaget karena ada beberapa pasangan yang sampai menikah. Dengan kondisi seperti itu, saya yang saat itu berstatus single dan berada dalam kondisi 'digantung' oleh seorang teman pria yang saya taksir, hanya bisa pasrah pada kemungkinan saya akan jatuh cinta pada satu atau lebih rekan kerja pria saya.

Saya membidik beberapa rekan kerja pria yang potensial untuk saya sukai, mulai dari segi wajah, kepandaian, postur tubuh, dan cara mereka memperlakukan wanita. Saya adalah satu-satunya wanita yang ditempatkan di divisi saya, sisanya pria. Dan akhirnya, seingat saya, tidak perlu memakan waktu sampai satu bulan, saya menetapkan target pada salah seorang rekan kerja pria yang duduk di kubikel seberang kiri saya, yang sama sekali bukan salah satu dari pria-pria yang saya duga. 

Mungkin 'menetapkan target' adalah istilah yang kurang tepat juga, karena saya hanya secara alami mulai mengamatinya.

Dan itu menyenangkan. Menyukai rekan kerja ternyata adalah salah satu motivasi untuk saya, untuk kita, datang ke kantor ketika sedang tidak ada hal lain yang menjadi motivasi.

Saya terinspirasi dari kondisi 'menyukai rekan kerja' ini untuk menulis puisi baru. Ada cerita lucu di balik penulisan puisi ini. Awalnya, karena sedang mengobrol dengan sahabat saya di BlackBerry Messenger, saya coba menulisnya di notepad iPod saya. Tapi entah kenapa baru dua baris pertama saya merasa mual sendiri membaca apa yang saya tulis, akhirnya saya putuskan untuk menulis di notepad BlackBerry saya. Dan ternyata saya jauh lebih puas. Entah kenapa menulis puisi di notepad BlackBerry jauh lebih bisa memuaskan saya dibanding di media manapun. Aneh.

Jadi inilah puisinya. Karena lokasinya adalah kantor, saya sejak awal memang ingin memberinya judul 'Cubicle'. Dan entah kenapa jadinya malah konyol, padahal awalnya saya ingin menulis yang lucu dan manis. LOL.

Why does the clock still show 10AM in morning?
As a word pops up in my mind: boring!
How long I should do this thing called typing
While all I want to do is only screaming?

So I look to the left, turn my head around
Damn, why is it you again to be found?
All those pieces of cuteness I can't compound
Bury me in this cubicle, not the ground

Okay, now you're looking back at me
Catching myself drowning in stupidity
Fine, get that printer machine and stay busy
So I can pass you by, pretending to get coffee

Oh, no, the boss wants to get my copy
I go back to my desk, being busy suddenly
Wait, why do you come and now help me
Like I didn't know your indifference clearly?

And here we are now, trapped in a meeting
The hell with else, at you my eyes are glancing
Your voice is the only thing I'm listening
All those concepts, strategies you're explaining

I get my coffee to be brought to my desk
You come to this pantry, now where's my mask?
As you have your tea, I list questions to ask
Seeing your crooked smile, I wish were my task

Cubicle again, hello, I'm back
Typing again, yes, on the screen of this Mac
Now I know that this boredom I can crack
As I feel your sight at me behind my back

Oh ya, karena saya ada waktu, kemarin saya sempat streaming beberapa video klip di YouTube dan menemukan lagu original Alex Goot ini. Sesuai dengan pembahasan mengenai jatuh cinta pada teman sekantor, sepertinya video klip ini mewakili.

Continue

Parameter Maaf

Tidak ada yang tidak baik dari memberi dan meminta maaf.

Memang tidak. Memberi maaf itu mulia, meminta maaf itu ksatria. Alangkah baiknya bila setiap manusia saling berbuat salah kemudian saling meminta maaf kepada satu sama lainnya. Saya juga berpendapat sama, tidak kurang dan tidak lebih.

Tapi sebagaimana setiap manusia itu berbeda dan unik, setiap permasalahan pun demikian. Saya berpendapat tidak ada yang salah dengan memberi dan meminta maaf. Namun di sisi lain saya juga berpendapat bahwa hanya keledai yang bisa dua kali jatuh ke lubang yang sama.

Sampai di mana maaf perlu diminta dan diberi?

Setiap orang memiliki parameter berbeda. Pun saya sebagai salah satu manusia yang tidak sempurna. Bagi saya memberi maaf itu mudah, tapi jangan pernah berharap saya meLUPAkan apa yang telah saya terima.

Sebutlah saya pernah melakukan sebuah kesalahan, yang sebetulnya menurut logika saya pun saya tidak mengerti di mana salahnya. Pokoknya SALAH, karena kenyataannya seseorang tersinggung dengan perbuatan saya. Kemudian saya berusaha meminta maaf dan memperbaiki keadaan, namun ternyata yang bersangkutan menolak memperbaiki, hanya bersedia memaafkan. Saya tidak keberatan dan tidak bisa memaksa, memang siapa saya? Sampai di sana, seharusnya masalah selesai.

Tapi kemudian apa perlu saya kembali meminta atau memberi maaf, atau berusaha memperbaiki keadaan ketika dimana seharusnya masalah sudah selesai, yang bersangkutan malah mengungkit-ungkitnya dengan menghina-dina saya, bahkan mengajak orang-orang yang tidak ada sangkut-pautnya dengan masalah untuk membenci saya? 

Keputusan saya bulat: tidak perlu. Saya tidak tolol, bodoh, apalagi idiot. Hanya keledai yang dua kali jatuh ke lubang yang sama.

Mungkin saya egois dan arogan, tapi akal sehat dan hati nurani saya sudah memutuskan hal yang sama. Entah mau berapa kali Idul Fitri berlalu. Baiklah, saya MEMANG egois dan arogan. 

Lalu?

Manusia adalah makhluk dengan segala keterbatasan. Termasuk saya. 

Meminta dan memberi maaf adalah dua tindakan yang tidak ada salahnya, dan betapa mulia dan ksatrianya saya bila menyanggupi keduanya. Tapi seperti manusia lainnya, saya juga punya parameter.  Dan orang dalam cerita di atas saya kategorikan TIDAK LAYAK untuk saya beri maupun mintakan maaf.

Saya manusia, bukan keledai.

Continue

Untukmu yang Tak Maju Lebih Dulu

21 Agustus 2012

Kepada Mentari yang Terbit Terakhir

di

Labirin

Bila boleh kuingatkan kembali setiap puing yang tertinggal sejak setahun lalu, pun aku tidak mampu menghitungnya. Terlalu banyak yang terjadi. Bukan dalam kata yang kau ucap kepadaku atau apa yang kusampaikan dalam lisan kepadamu.

Sebagaimana namamu, kau terbit di langitku. Tak kalah dari bintang manapun, termasuk yang bersinar lebih terang darimu. Kau selalu ada, bercahaya, karena aku selalu memenangkanmu meski kamu mentari yang tak biasa. Mentari yang dingin menyerupai gunung es. 

Tapi duniaku selalu melihatmu.

Aku percaya dinginmu akan mencair. Esmu akan meleleh bila aku tak pernah menyerah. Kucoba mencipta apa yang bisa kurangkai dalam kata, bahkan entah bagaimana kubuat pula dalam nada. Semuanya untukmu, semuanya ada karena adamu. 

Ya, aku pernah mencintaimu seperti itu.

Kupintai helaian hari dengan menantimu menginginkanku. Menunggumu mengucap rasa yang sama, memintaku mendampingimu selamanya. Seraya melihatmu berubah dari bongkahan es menjadi cahaya, aku pernah yakin hanya akulah yang gerakkan apa yang kau sebut dunia. Aku menantimu selamanya, dan bahwa kau genggam rasa yang sama aku percaya.

Namun selamanya mulai kurasa terlalu lama. Menunggumu seumur hidup mulai terasa tidak nyata. Aku takkan mau, takkan bisa habiskan waktuku menanti cintamu yang maya. Sementara kulihat cahaya kecil di balik jendela rumah di ujung sana. Sebagaimana aku ingin menantimu, tak kuasa aku menahan kakiku untuk tak melangkah. Aku ingin pulang. Ya, aku lelah mengembara. Bila yang kucari ada di depan mata, haruskah kuabaikan itu demi menantimu? 

Meski mungkin hanya aku yang mampu selamatkan duniamu?

Maaf. 'Tidak' adalah jawabku.

Kucoba sampaikan kepadamu rasaku, namun terhalang oleh waktu. Kucoba meminta lagi waktu kepadamu, namun katamu tak perlu. Maka kuputuskan untuk tidak lagi menantimu. Kubiarkan kau berlalu, tak lagi sinari langitku. Sementara tertatih kucoba susuri jalan pulang, kembali ke mana seharusnya aku berada. Ke tempat dimana tak hanya ada satu rasa, namun dua. 

Kulihat engkau kembali ke dalam labirinmu. Kembali pada dinginmu, kehilangan cahayamu. Kau tertawa, namun bukan yang sesungguhnya. Bila kutanya apakah kau bahagia, dapatkah kau menyambut tanyaku dengan jawabmu?

Bukan aku menghakimimu, karena aku pun tak sempurna. Namun bila kau temukan lagi apa yang kau rasa terhadapku, yang tumbuh dari apa yang kutanamkan dalam duniamu, kumohon jangan lagi kau endapkan tanpa pinta. Tiada satu pun di dunia yang dapat kau miliki tanpa kau ungkap inginmu lewat kata. 

Bila mungkin, ungkaplah pula lewat suara. 

Jangan lagi kau biarkan ia lewat di depan mata tanpa pernah kau meraihnya. Jangan serahkan ia kepada siapapun, berjuanglah untuknya. 

Berjuanglah untuk dirimu.

Terima kasih untuk satu tahun bersama. Tidak milikimu tak menjadi sesal bagiku, begitu banyak yang berharga telah kudapat meski bukan cintamu. Terima kasih telah ajariku mencinta cacat di balik sempurna. Terima kasih untuk nada yang kau lepaskan untuk menjawab pergiku. Terima kasih untuk waktu yang tak pernah kau berikan lagi kepadaku, yang telah mengantarku pulang ke rumah.

Salam,

Aku

p.s: cinta tak dapat menunggumu selamanya, cobalah kau melangkah untuk menggapainya.

Continue

Smitten Kitten

I'm turning the pages

Just wanna be in love forever and ever

You and me always together 

And I know I don't wanna cry no more

I can't, no more

Feels just like I'm falling in love

That verse of Falling in Love from Ironik ft. Jessica Lowndes was written on my Path status, then my boyfriend laughed to that. I remember it was after a night when he confessed to me through WhatsApp. That night I was hanging out with my coworkers, whom are now his ex-coworkers, I laughed with them while my focus was frequently distracted with his messages. LOL.

Yes, I am currently in love.

Not falling in love, since it's too mainstream. I'm crawling, drowning, melting, and dying in love.

It has not been too long yet, only a month and some days. I  even just met him around 4 months ago. We are getting closer since around 3 months ago. We haven't had too much time yet, but I am dying in love with this guy. He is not totally my type (wearing eyeglasses-skinny-geeky-tall), not even a good looking one. He ain't a scientist, a lawyer instead. I never wanted to date or even marry a lawyer, but this time the story is different.

An ex-coworker asked me 'why him? He's not a handsome or such one' and I answered 'it's not only the eyes that see, isn't it?'

I don't give a sh*t about anything, the only things that I care about are that we love each other and we belong together. I am not perfect, so is he, but we are perfect together. 

I feel smitten kitten.

While having this beautiful, cute, sweet feeling, I was suddenly inspired to write a poem titled with a 'hey', then I came up with this 'Hey Love!'. I don't know why I had such idea, but maybe I just watched New Girl on tv, and inspired with its theme song titled 'Hey Girl!' which is written and performed by beautiful Ms. Zooey Deschanel.

Do you love it or hate it? Because I turn out to love it so much. I love the words, and the title itself. I had twice set it as my status in BlackBerry Messenger.

Let's go looking back some moments before
I lost myself, then found that place therefore
I saw you and knew your name afterwards
Realized you were a reason I move forward

But all we did was quarelling before everyone
Denying how we were so desired to be one

Hey love, have you found what you look for?
I have a faith that you're what I'm looking for
Your infinite cuteness in all those acts and words
Weaken me on my knees, leave me out of words

Hey love, stay with me today and forever
Don't leave, don't even try to find another
I crave every single piece that you ever have
Hey love, you cast my fear and turn me brave

Now here is us, cross-admired, paralyzed
In the warmth of heart, we are synchronized

Oh God why, you make me crawling in love
My body and soul fall to the ground
Give me all your compensation, hey love
Just Say you love me in unlimited amount

Touch my hand and hold all of mine with yours
Hey love, without any doubt I'm wholly yours

Continue

My Way Home

I wrote a new poem. Actually I already wrote it on my notebook in the middle of a meeting, since I was sleepy and I've always wanted to write this poem. But then I forgot to rewrite it on my phone, so that I decided to write a new one on my way home from office, in taxi.

When I thought I should rewrite this poem on phone, I already knew that I would make a lot of revisions since I was not satisfied with the content. But then instead of it, I wrote a new one with the sort of same theme, and it turned out to be a much better one and I seem to fall for it. I did not remember exactly what I wrote in notebook, which made me worried, but now I think I'm glad that I forgot.

By the way, I'm sleepy. Why's ripping a CD taking so much time? ( ._.)/|sleepy|

And then I came up with this poem. I first planned to title it 'Home', but according to the last content, 'A Way Home' suits best. I don't think I need to explain what this poem is about, since it's alrady obvious. Also whom has inspired me, it's also obvious.

Well, love it or hate it?

I love it a lot, thank God. Finally I can make a new poem that I can love beside The Awkward Trial. I love the words I chose, also the plot of the story.

The closed doors are everywhere to knock

I walked as fast as the ticking of the clock

Brought up my key to open the lock

Gave no damn to people who mocked

I tried, prayed, failed, got up again

Struggled to shine my light under the rain

While the wounds only worsen my pain

And the blood slowly ran out from my vein

Until I saw your little light in disguise

Led me to a hope that I might rise

Hurt and doubtful, I dared myself to step

Hopelessly worked to shorten the gap

To you I consciously ran without map

My purpose was only your heart to wrap

Your door was surprisingly unlocked

While no one but me you let entered

The welcome was cold, I was trembled

But there I understood what you needed

I know anywhere else but I don't want those

Your conformity has brought me overdose

Just through a softness within your voice

You turned me calm out of all my noise

I finally find my way home

A place where I'm always allowed to come

This is the end of my long painful journey

I belong here from now on, yours truly

Holding your hand, facing the world I'm ready

Twenty four/seven is what you'll have with me

Your Ľovε is the only thing I recognize

My all is delivered to you without compromise

Continue

A Sense of Completion

I've got somewhere I belong

I've got somebody to love

This is what dreams are made of

That verse of Hillary Duff's What Dreams Are Made Of is supposed to be perfect to be my birthday theme song. Because it happens to me.

I was just celebrating my 16th 26th birthday. At this age, I nearly have everything a girl could dream of, if I couldn't say 'I do have'. 

I have an amazing supportive family. I have real friends I can hold on to. I have a job I've always dreamed to work. I have adorable bright coworkers. I have been some steps ahead of becoming a lawyer, with a little precious help from a lover that I love who loves me properly. 

I don't need any birthday presents. I already have my life as one. Doesn't mean I will reject the given ones, though. LOL.

I blew candles for 4 times since I got 4 cakes. 

Oh and since I'm so very happy, I finally wrote a new poem. Honestly, this is the final part of the trilogy started with The Awkward Trial, then Focus, and it ends with this Imprisoned in Completion. Yes, I have written 2 poems about my journey to wrap him, my current boyfriend, but I did not admit it since I was not sure about the end. LOL. 

Well, I don't really like this one, though. My most favorite is still The Awkward Trial. But please check it out, and say whether you love or hate it.

I watched you there hanging around

Looking at me like I'm a victim you found

Made my heart beat in uncountable amount

I knew you worth more than to be a rebound

You are undoubtedly sentenced for a crime

For stealing all my love when I resisted

You will be jailed for an unlimited time

Imprisoned from now forever in my heart

At the night that I investigated you

You just simply told me 'I love you'

No witnesses to prove that it was true

I was left with no choice but saying 'Me too'

The file of my life is finally completed

It is ready to be sumbitted to the court

Your status is not anymore a suspect

A prisoner instead, trapped in my world

Side by side we walk to completion

This mutual feeling would be wholly accepted

We might not be something like perfection

But who cares since our souls are bonded

It is now proved that you're all I need

Verdict issued, I'm what you waited

For being in love, we both are punished

As the pleasure we know won't be vanished

Continue

A Love Left Unsaid

I was in a routine internal meeting in my office when I wrote this poem. It was totally boring and I almost fell asleep. So instead of falling asleep, I pretended writing what my coworkers said on my notebook, while I actually wrote a poem.

I have been waiting to write this poem actually, because writing as a person who tells story is something new. I usually wrote as a subject of the poem and I felt kind of bored, so I tried writing as a story-teller.

The weird thing is I feel like never satisfied with this poem, unlike when I wrote 'The Awkward Trial' (which is still my most favorite one). I wrote it on my notebook, then I revised some words still on that notebook. Then I ripped a piece of paper where this poem was written to be brought home, but before I re-write it in Torchy, my phone, I still had new idea to write down on my notebook, which finally became one new verse.

And when I re-wrote it in Torchy, I still revised some words. The new verse I wrote in notebook finally came up differently. Weird is weird, I was like never satisfied of this poem.

But in the end I knew I must finish this. I titled this as 'Left Unsaid'. Do you love it or hate it? I kinda like it, though.

She was walking in a labyrinth
Finding him stood on the rain
Trying bravely to pull his hand
Hoping he would finally let her in
*
Naturally they walked outside together
Surely he opened his life for her
As she shined on him over and over
Two beauty collided, rised brighter
*
But she was afraid to declare love
Not ready for his resistance
While he performed nothing to solve
All he did was waiting in silence
*
She said his wall was unbroken
Made her frozen, trapped by ice mountain
He said her eyes already told much
Even shuttered when her voice approach
*
Sending signs were all they keep doing
None of them released such a feeling
She refused to ask for confirmation
He refused to be changed by her affection
*
The story ends imperfectly
He goes home to the labyrinth calmly
She is free, falling for a certainty
As the love is left unsaid, kept cleanly

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You Get My Focus

I just bought a lomo camera, and it's pink. Yay! 

Too bad that I haven't found the film roll T___T  I hope that I will find it soon because once I have a new gadget I can't wait to use it. Anyway I haven't name it yet...maybe Lomoppi. Aih so not-creative -___- what-e-ver.

After I took some photos with this camera and set 'you get my focus' as my status in Blackberry Messenger, I realized afterwards that they were connected (well I set the status not based on Lomoppi-purchase). So a poem came up in my mind. A poem using words about taking photos. 

Still with the same theme with 'The Awkward Trial', but with a little bit more advanced condition, I wrote a poem titled 'Focus'. In this poem, the subject has grown love for the opposite, but still waiting for a certainty because he/she is still not sure about the opposite's feeling. As I wrote above, it is more advanced than in 'The Awkward Trial'.

Do you love it or hate it? I quite love it.

I was wandering everywhere
When I first saw you in disguise
With those eyeglasses you wear
You set a simple certain pose

Your short greeting as 'hello'
Got me stop my feet from running
As the time walks so slow
You become what I've been searching

The camera is in my shaking hands
Waiting for me to decide wisely
The object is standing before my eyes
Waiting to be captured perfectly

You get my focus wholly
Once you said 'please remind me'
My lense is set on you unconsciously
As if you cast a spell on me

Shutter button is waiting patiently
To be pushed once you say 'please love me'
I am waiting for two of us to be
For a picture perfect that we will agree

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The Awkward Trial: Start of Love

Hey there!

I come back with this one stuff. A new poem. Lately condition in my office is fun to me, so that I'm kind of opened to listen to my friends' stories, and I found them interesting. Here it is.

My office allows its employees to date or even marry each others. How cool is that?

So I heard stories regarding some couples there. The most inspiring one was from my teammate's, who was just married about one month ago. When he first dated his wife, such idea just popped up in his mind, accidentally, even in that day he was still dating 2 other girls. But then they just went dating, and at night when he was calling his girlfriends, he suddenly thought about that girl who is now his wife. Just that simple, how love can start. In an unpredictable way.

I'm just amazed of how it started only by a dinner-for-two moment, once.

And then I'm also inspired by Endy's Green Light. I don't know why I'm becoming a huge fan of songs that he composes and sings, but this Green Light one is just lyrically unique. I have always wanted to write a poem which words are like in Green Light lyrics, then I'm eventually inspired by my workdays. How?

There's a civil case handled by my office. I and team drafted the documents and edited them over and over. Since our client is foreign company, I am given task to translate all those documents (and now I become sworn translator in team a.k.a penerjemah disumpahin). Now that I keep reading and translating, some words creep into my mind and I can't forget them. So I made a decision. If Green Light is regarding riding cars in the street, waiting for green light to move forward, I make this one new poem as a trial process, waiting for the verdict to be executed.

Here it is. Do you love it or hate it? Because I love it so much!

It all started from a dinner
Dispute in myself grows harder
While I swear we'll never get closer
Every settlement can't separate us further

You come to my senses
I'm damaged, need your compensations

My mind now sues my heart
Charging that I breach my own contract
Your sweet favor made this lawsuit looks hard
There'll be no objections in front of the judge

The little things you notice in me
Breaks term and condition prevailed previously
Who cares of what you are or what you'll be
While in your eyes it's only me you see?

Don't put me in obscurity
You won't want me to seize you for security

The evidences show you're never a good option
But even my brain can't deal this in mediation
Solving this case, I need to write conclusion
And let's expect the verdict becomes affection

I have a lot of fun beside you
Don't revoke, so I stay longer with you

This poem's title has been changed 2 times, until I decided it as 'The Awkward Trial'. When I was done writing, I read again and felt like I didn't really put the 'love' in it. But then I realize, this poem is inspired by a 'start of love', not yet love. So I think, in this poem, the subject is still arguing with his/her heart and mind to decide whether he/she will fall in love or not. He/she is waiting for a final verdict. While waiting, he/she is enjoying each day of the trial.

And I seriously love, I repeat, I love this poem.

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Suddenly Love

"Dia menyukaimu karena kamu berbakat."

Begitulah bunyi jawaban kartu ramalan teman baikku ketika aku bertanya apakah kamu pernah menyukaiku, lalu kutarik satu lembar dari banyak kartu yang berserakan. Aku tertawa. Dua teman baikku yang lain juga tertawa.

"Wajar," kataku, "Memang begitulah aku di matanya selama ini."

Aku bertemu kamu di penghujung tahun lalu. Kesan yang kutangkap ada dua: kamu secerdas yang pernah diceritakan kepadaku, dan kamu menguasai bidang keahlianmu. Secara fisik, minus kacamata, kamu sempurna sebagai tipe pria kesukaanku. Namun di hari pertemuan itu, aku sudah jatuh cinta pada salah satu teman baikku.

Bukannya aku tidak melihatmu sama sekali, meski begitu. Bagaimana bisa? Yang mewujudkan mimpiku adalah kamu. Yah, mimpi itu. Mimpi tentang kata yang kurangkai, yang mengalur bersama nada. Tentu kamu jelas terlihat di mataku. Tidak kabur, apalagi berbayang. Sosokmu terang, nyata.

Aku mengagumi kamu. Tidak bisa tidak.

Sayangnya, saat bekerja denganku, kamu bukan si nomor satu di hati dan benakku.

Kemudian kamu memperlihatkan kepada seluruh dunia tentang ketertarikanmu pada seseorang. Ya, seseorang yang tidak kukenal, mamun aku tahu dia sama sekali tidak seperti aku. Dengan kata lain, bukan aku. Aku terdiam. Terbersit kekecewaan yang lalu berhasil kutepis.

Aku. Hanya. Penggemarmu.

Karenanya, aku tidak berhak cemburu pada seseorang itu. Ditambah lagi aku sadar aku tidak pernah jatuh cinta padamu, yang mendorongku untuk menuangkan pemikiranku tentang 'cinta yang tidak selalu dimulai dari penampilan fisik atau tipe kesukaan'. Kutulis pemikiranku, dan kusebarkan kepada publik. Entah kamu membacanya atau tidak.

Ya, saat itu aku sadar aku tidak pernah jatuh cinta padamu. Meski kamu tipe kesukaanku, meski kamu yang membantu mewujudkan mimpiku.

Tapi pagi ini aku merasa aneh. Kudengar lagu kesukaanku yang kamu ingat, lalu tiba-tiba...aku menginginkanmu. Tiba-tiba kamu masuk ke benakku. Tentu hal ini bukan yang pertama kali, mengingat aku penggemarmu, tapi tetap aku merasa aneh.

Aku tiba-tiba menyukaimu.

Dan aku kesal ramalanku mengatakan kamu melihatku hanya karena aku berbakat, yang juga tidak seberapa. Aku bukan seniman. Aku hanya pekerja biasa, yang tidak memerlukan kreatifitas. Pun perlu, bukan secara artistik. Mengapa bukan diriku saja yang kamu sukai? Mengapa kamu melihatku hanya sebagai sumber daya manusia, bukan sebagai wanita?

Sudahlah.

Salahku sendiri yang terlambat menyadari keberadaanmu.

I first met you while having my tea

You called, came, smiled at me

It happened unplanned but naturally

You took me to a world where you used to be

I once stated I never fell for you

I guess everyone noticed, including you

Kind of sure what I believed was true

Until this morning I listened to you

I am just a fangirl passing by

I have nothing for you to give a try

But a small thought of you made me fly

This time, I resist to say goodbye

Like a fool, I feel this so suddenly

A love I feel, too late for you to see

I see how I'll fight with this hopelessly

For I know we're never meant to be

You taught me how to create serenade

As I listened carefully right at your side

I remember every moment you made

Through your words, it was me that you guide

You once made my dream came true

Now that it was done, I want you too

I hear your voice, I feel hugged by you

Out of every vocal, I only sense you

Slowly I write, I open my two eyes

I drink my tea again and realize

Out of reach, still it's you I recognize

So I close my book to stop the paralyze

I am just a fangirl passing by

Just a talent you knew worth to try

After it was wrapped, you said goodbye

As I stay, wiping tears of late regret I cry

Teruntuk kalian yang sedang atau pernah jatuh cinta kepada sang idola

P.s: Suddenly Love is the title of the poem herein

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Seharusnya Kamu

Bilakah waktu dapat kuulang kembali untuk mencintaimu?

Kukira tugas itu dilimpahkan hanya kepadaku. Ya, tugas untuk mencairkan hatinya. Pria yang bagaikan es, yang kupikir dapat mencair bila kusinari dengan cahayaku. Aku percaya keberadaanku di dunia adalah untuk itu. Aku percaya ialah bukti keberadaanku.

Ya, aku percaya. Karena kamu pun mempercayaiku.

Kamu yang selalu di sisiku. Mempercayaiku. Berkata aku mampu. Menopangku ketika redup cahayaku, agar bersinar selalu. 

Tiga kali aku jatuh dan bangkit kembali. Tiga kali cahayaku meredup, namun kau buat ia terang berkali-kali. Aku muak bersinar terang, setiap detik, tanpa hasil. Aku muak berjuang tanpa hasil. Namun aku sendiri yang memutuskan untuk kembali, selalu aku. Dan kamu selalu berada di sana. Di sisiku, mendukungku. 

Hingga badai itu datang, membawamu pergi dariku.

Kuputuskan untuk mundur, tiada lagi bercahaya untuk sang gunung es. Aku muak. Lelah. Dan aku tahu, tak sedikitpun cahayaku berguna. Apapun yang kulakukan tak berhasil mencairkannya. Kepercayaanku hilang. Hidupku bukan untuknya. 

Dan aku tahu, badai itu tidak berlalu karena kamu melindungiku agar ia tak menyakitiku. Kamu tidak lagi berada di sisiku agar tidak lagi mendukungku, karena kamu tahu dukunganmu pun tidak berarti. Hanya akan membuatku ingin bersinar kembali tanpa bisa mengubah apapun. Hanya akan membuatku sakit.

Lalu aku memilihmu. Aku memilih untuk berhenti agar kamu kembali ke sisiku. Entah bagimu, tapi kamu adalah salah satu hal terbaik yang pernah terjadi dalam hidupku. Singkat, namun setiap detik tersimpan rapi dalam waktuku. Caramu melindungiku yang kuharap kutahu sejak awal, namun ketika kutahu, aku tahu aku terlambat.

Tak pernah ku tahu kapan kau akan kembali ke sisiku. Tak mampu pula aku berharap. Aku menghormati keputusanmu untuk tidak berada dekat denganku, tak sanggup mengusikmu. Namun andai waktu dapat kuputar kembali...

...kurasa, aku ingin mencintaimu.

Aku ingin bersinar untukmu. Aku ingin berjuang mendapatkan hatimu. Meski sulit, meski kamu tak seperti pria-pria yang selalu menarik perhatianku. Tapi, mungkin akan jauh lebih berarti. Mengapa tidak? Mengapa tidak mencintaimu, yang selalu berada di sisiku? Mengapa tidak menyayangimu yang selalu menyayangiku? Mengapa tidak mempedulikanmu yang selalu memikirkanku? Mengapa tidak mengejarmu yang tak pernah berhenti mempercayaiku?

Bukan untuk mendapatkan cintamu. Bukan pula semata untuk menjadikanmu kekasihku. Hanya mencintaimu. Hanya itu. Hanya karena kamu pantas mendapatkan hatiku.

 

Hanya karena kamulah yang layak untuk cintaku. Bukan dia.

Namun, seperti yang selalu terjadi pada siapapun, bukan?

Ya.

Penyesalan selalu datang terlambat. 

Teruntuk kalian yang memiliki kisah serupa. Yang mengalami salah alamat saat mengirim sang cinta.

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Hate is Love

Do you ever hate anyone in your life?

No worries. It's human being. To hate, to love, to give damn, to give none, it's all about being a human. I never known anyone who never felt those feelings. Because if I did, I must have met an angel. Or God, maybe.

At the time being (aha, now I sound like my boss) I want to talk about the 'hate'.

We must have ever hated anyone. The reason is various. Maybe he/she annoys us. Maybe he/she has different opinion. Maybe he/she stabs us is the back. Maybe he/she stains our names. Maybe he/she is more beautiful. Maybe he/she is smarter. Maybe he/she is richer. Maybe he/she wins heart of people we expect to be our lovers. And there are still lots of maybe I haven't mentioned here. But we must have ever experienced hating someone. Maybe not openly, maybe silently. We can do it by many ways.

What do you think when you hate someone?

I ever once, twice, posted in December last year. It was about a wicked witch in a village. Yes, it was about an unwanted employee in my previous office. I hated him, so much. And because I hated him, everything he did looked wrong in my eyes. Including ordinary actions. Actions that, before I hated him, looked fine in my eyes. 

But then I realize. When I hated him, I was thinking of him. He was in my mind, as a person I hated. His particular actions were running in my mind. His annoying voice was echoing in my head. He was simply in my mind until we finally cut all our connections. Then, what was the difference between him and my friends? What was the difference between him and my family? Both of them are always in my mind, right?

Yes, the feeling is different. Still, all of them are in the same places: my heart and mind.

So, why can't we conclude that he was as important as my friends and family?

Because if he wasn't, he wouldn't be anywhere in my life. None of him would be in my heart and mind. I would give no damn about him, wouldn't even think he was alive.

My question is now: don't you think that 'hate' is a different way to 'love'?

I have reached such a conclusion. 'Hate' is a different way to love. You hate him? Yes, you love him. You hate her? Yes, you love her. Because do you know why parents yell to their kids when the kids make mistakes? Yes, because they love the kids, but they show it with a 'hate' action.

The difference is only one: to hate is tiring and giving bad impact to our heart and mind. Do you want to discuss about this? I don't. I think it's obvious. You may contact me personally to talk about it, if you want to.

Love your haters. Because like your family and friends, you have special places in their hearts.

p.s: I have made a reconciliation with the 'hated' ex-coworker. We're friends again like nothing ever happened :)

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