Turning Tables

If you read my post before, well this one is my conclusion about it. This is the answer about all my confusions in previous post.

So, I listen to Adele's Turning Tables, but the Glee version one, which was performed by Gwyneth Paltrow as Holly Holiday. I checked the lyrics out, and I could imagine what condition that makes Holly sing that song in the episode, because I've listened to (and favorited) this song long before I watched the Night of Neglect episode last night.

Just if you want to know the lyrics, here it is.

Close enough to start a war
All that I have is on the floor
God only knows what we're fighting for
All that I say, you always say more 
I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb, I can't breathe 
So, I won't let you close enough to hurt me
No, I won't ask you, you to just desert me
I cant give you, what you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables 
Under haunted skies I see
Where love is lost, your ghost is found
I braved a hundred storms to leave you
As hard as you try, no I will never be knocked down 
Next time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior
When the thunder calls for me
Next time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior
Standing on my own two feet

those lyrics made me realize of what I'm doing. I might be thinking about somebody I deadly loved, and still I adore, but I do nothing. I make no moves. I just stay calm, thinking, then let it go like nothing ever happened. It's all because I don't want to be deserted again. Not by him nor my expectations of him.

Yes, because under his thumb, I can't breathe.

So, I'd rather doing nothing. If Lady Antebellum said 'I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all' in their Need You Now, then it's not valid for me. I don't need any more injuries that distract me from thinking and doing anything more useful. I don't want anything to stand on my way to my dreams no more. Next time I'll be my own savior. I won't make wrong decisions, won't let my heart fall to the wrong no more. I'm gonna quit expecting for uncertain stuff.

Right now, as I said before, I'm numb. I think of somebody, but it's just for a while. I might still love him, but the time has been come to say goodbye to turning tables.

I'm turning tables. I already had.

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Somebody

Ah. Hello there. I'm here to just tell a simply complicated love story. Um...no. Not literally.

So, here it is. Right now, I am numb. I don't feel anything for men, even those that I always saw as my type (skinny, wearing glasses, tall, seems smart, etc.). When I see 'my type', I just thought they were like 'something I ever known before but I don't recognize it.' But don't get me wrong, I'm not closing my heart. If somebody, a man, wants to enter my life, then go ahead. Since the final decision would be on me, just do anything you love to do, but don't expect too high from me. I am numb, but not heart-closed, but unexpected.

Lately, I'm thinking about somebody in my past. Somebody good looking, smart, hard worker, kind, family loving, and...I guess, all the good stuff you can tell.

Not that I wanna fight for him again, I've told you I'm numb so what would I fight for? Besides, my love has been rejected. He wasn't my boyfriend, just a long-term crush, and he only saw me as a friend. But since the way he rejected me was (kinda) inappropriate, I can't be friends with him again.

Oh. I tried to, really. I added his Yahoo messenger again, in Facebook too, but he never seem to appear. Maybe I'm in his block list.

Just if you wanna know about him and all my desperate feelings on him, I have written some notes in Facebook. You can read in here, or here, or here, or here, or here.

I don't know why I lately think about him. The last time I heard he was attending my friend's wedding, alone (not with his girlfriend-seem-to-be), and it was around January. What comes to my mind is that he's single now. But what would I do? Nothing. I won't do anything. I don't feel anything towards him as well. I'm numb.

But I was just...some kinda acting weird when I opened his Facebook profile for fun. I straight scrolled to the down page. I...kinda resisted to see his photos closer. I don't know, maybe I was afraid I'll be trapped in his charm again. Even so, that's just a 'maybe' because my heart didn't skip beats. Lately it can't do.

I'm numb. But...yeah, I am.

Speaking of which, his face looks kinda like this:
Haha he's a model for my doodle! But his hair isn't that brown and his skin color is more tanned. such a good looking man. and what a lucky girl who is meant to be with him :)

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