Bukan Arifin Putra

Kuhampiri engkau meski kau jauh

Sendiri ku tempuh

Hanya 'tuk bertemu denganmu

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Kau tak pernah tahu

Betapa hati yakin untukmu

(Intuisi - Yura)

How can there be a song which lyrics represent my own condition this perfectly? Did Yura read my Plurk timeline or what?

LOL.

Di postingan gue yang ini, gue pernah nulis soal gue naksir cowok gara-gara The Raid.  Dia suka karakter Uco-nya Arifin Putra, sebagaimana halnya gue yang sampe saat ini masih belum bisa memikirkan ide fanfiction selain The Raid khususnya kisah Uco. Dan dia waktu itu doodling gambar Uco yang menurut gue wow banget, secara biasanya cowok-cowok yang nonton The Raid kalo nggak cuma peduli sama action-nya ya fokusnya memuja Rama, si Iko Uwais cinta sejatinya Uco yang emang master silat.

Sepertinya waktu nulis postingan yang lama itu gue lupa sebut kalo di salah satu thread Plurk ada temennya yang komen ke dia kalo dia itu pas banget suka sama Uco, karena dia sendiri juga mirip Arifin Putra.

W.O.W banget nggak sih.

Terlepas dari ini orang beneran mirip Fin apa enggak, kayaknya waktu itu gue langsung nge-add dia jadi temen. Apa waktu itu gue sempet cek dulu ya? Duh, lupa juga gue.

Intinya, sih, pasti ada pengecekan lah. Dia itu, 'kan, kebanyakan temen-temennya temenan sama gue di Plurk dan Facebook. Jadi channel gue buat nge-stalk dia juga lumayan banyak, dan terbuka lebar hahahaha. Pas akhirnya gue nemu fotonya, hmmm...

Yaaa...

Nggak mirip Fin, sih. Ada garis muka yang sekilas punya kesamaan, tapi sekilas doang, cuma ya intinya oke sih menurut gue ahahahahaha yaaa selera gue, lah. 

Oke, cukup bahas fisiknya. Karena meskipun awalnya gue nge-add dia jadi temen dan jadi lumayan akrab karena kemudian kita temenan di Path, ketemuan, add LINE karena dia mau kerja di luar jadi nomer Indonesianya yang gue simpen udah nggak berguna, dan ketemuan cuma berdua yang gue ceritain di postingan sebelumnya itu gara-gara kata temennya dia mirip Fin, akhirnya yang bikin gue beneran jadi demen sepenuhnya adalah kepribadiannya.

Ya, kepribadian bagus ditambah fisik, otak, dan pekerjaan bagus, lah. Wkwkwkwkwkwkwkwkwkwkwkwkwkwkwk.

I never met someone whom I can't get my conversations off of before. I never talked to my crush, or even my boyfriend, so excitingly that I was so hard to leave the table just to place a food order first or even to check my phone. And, I think it was not just me. If it was me, I would be tired after the date meeting because my energy was drained just to please him with my one-sided conversation. But it was far from such condition, since he also talked sooo much that I can't contain, about everything I knew until what I never knew.

I think, I want him for the rest of my life.

Or, if it was impossible, it must be someone like him.

Gue rasa nggak aneh kalo gue menginginkan sisa hidup gue ditemani oleh orang yang bisa ngobrol sama gue 25/8. Not anymore 24/7. Hubungan jarak dekat maupun jarak jauh berani gue tempuh kalo pasangan gue adalah orang seperti dia. Kalo di hubungan jarak dekat aja kita bisa ngobrol nggak selesai-selesai, bayangin kalo kita ketemuan pas hubungan jarak jauh. I can even imagine the thrill.

Meskipun perasaan gue ke dia emang nggak romantis.

I mean, like, I don't write cheesy poems, or some sweet words on social media status. I did, a few times, but they were all less romantic that what I did when I fell in love emotionally before. My heart did not even beat fast until I must hold my breath or even felt hard to speak. Not at all.

But, I love the colors he paints on me. I love how his cheerfulness being so contagious to me.

 

Bulan lalu, gue akhirnya memutuskan untuk pergi liburan ke kota di mana dia tinggal dan bekerja. Ini sebetulnya rencana tahun lalu, cuma tahun lalu gue batalin karena satu dan lain hal. Salah satunya karena dia punya gebetan kayaknya. Wkwkwk. Iya, gue baper.

Gue nggak lama ketemu dia, dan nggak sendiri pun karena emang gue perginya bertiga dari sini. Tapi dari gue cuma dapet kesempatan ngobrol sama dia di tengah-tengah dia juga mesti ngobrol sama temen-temen gue, gue merasa nggak ada yang berubah. He is still the same colorful person I met two years ago. He is still someone whose conversation I want to have forever with. He is still the one that I want.

And, he smelled like my husband.

Wait, no, I mean he used nice perfume.

Hahahahaha. No kidding. Waktu kita semua lagi jalan mau ke stasiun, dia bilang ke gue coba kalo gue dan temen-temen gue, tapi anggep aja gue doang nginepnya di sekitaran tempat kita ketemuan itu, seharusnya kita bisa ketemuan lebih lama dan nggak perlu buru-buru ngejar kereta. Dan dari obrolan begitu aja, topik kita bisa melebar ke sampe jam berapa kota masih aktif dan siapa aja yang bakal dipandang wajar dan aneh kalo masih berkeliaran tengah malem.

I wish I could change my ticket home.

Aaand, it was done there. 

Oh, ya, ada satu hal yang bikin gue sebel banget pas sebelum ketemuan sama dia. Jadi, gue tuh hari itu yakin banget gue udah masukin EDT vanilla gue ke pouch Zootopia yang fan-merch, bukan official wkwk tempat gue naro charger dan power bank. Tapi pas gue di toilet mall tempat ketemuan, somehow itu EDT hilang aja gitu. Nggak ada di pouch dan di tas padahal udah gue ubek-ubek. Akhirnya gue ketemuan sama dia tanpa parfuman dong, padahal badan udah bau tujuh rupa kali soalnya gue berangkatnya udah dari pagi. 

Gue kira itu EDT hilang, eh pas besok paginya packing gue cek lagi di pouch...ternyata ADA.

Bodo amat.

p..s: my friend tried to tease my when looking at a photo I took with him, like it was unusual that I smile in a photo. I know it was just a tease, but maybe, maybe he really brought up my positive energy. Not a new thing to know, though. LOL. 

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Icing Sugar ❤️

Icing sugar, dalam bahasa Indonesia adalah gula halus. Gula yang sangat manis macem ada gula yang nggak manis banget yang berwujud seperti bedak tabur dan ketika dimakan akan terasa sensasi dingin di mulut.

Yah, elo kaya gitu lah kira-kira. No, I mean, you really are.

Now here I am, lying down on my bed in a hotel room, only some rooms from yours. I don't feel well, probably from traveling without proper rest yeah including now because here I am writing or because I lack of protein from beef or chicken since Manado tend to provide only sea food. 

Tapi gue lebih suka menganggapnya karena gula darah naik akibat nginep bareng makhluk dari gula, iyaaa maksudnya elo, 4 hari 3 malam meski tujuannya buat kerja. Meski kita gak sekamar walaupun gue mengharapkannya. yakeles bakal dikasih sekamar

Oh Sugar, how can you be so sweet?

It all started back in Wednesday night when I was requested to pick you and the team up in the airport. I didn't see you when my boss and another coworker appeared, so I just showed up before them, giggling. And when I was busy chitchatting with them, I somehow turned left and saw you coming saying hello with that freakin' sugary smile that, I don't know but maybe it's just me being excited, looks sweeter than ever.

Along with those honey eyes, looking fine as always, you shut my mouth.

Gue speechless, bingung mau respon apa selain a faint 'hi'. Mungkin karena waktu itu udah jam 10:45 malem dan gue lelah banget, jadi ketemu elo itu kayak...menemukan oasis di tengah gurun pasir. Or heck I just like you that much. /blush

Hari berikutnya, kita kerja. Gue in charge bawa dokumen setebel dosa pake tas laptop, dan walau udah gue packing sedemikian rupa biar nggak berat, tetep aja berat. You, who are used to offer a help by snatching whatever I bring away, couldn't seem to do that because there were the bosses. So, uh, let's say it's just me, but I seem to catch your eyes staring at the heavy bag I brought, seolah berniat menawarkan bantuan tapi nggak enak karena ada bos.

Apparently, I was right. 

Okay, it's just me.

Tapi hari ini waktu gue minta tolong pegangin tas seberat dosa itu sebentar, elo langsung ubek-ubek tas punggung lo yang udah diisi dokumen lumayan tebel walau nggak seberat yang gue bawa, dan memasukkan tas berat itu ke dalamnya bulat-bulat.

I was speechless yet worried at the same time. Gue berusaha menyarankan gimana kalo sebagian aja yang masuk tas punggung, sebagian lagi tetep di tas laptop karena itu berat sekali. 

But you didn't listen to me.

I was worried as hell during the day, seeing your small body bringing that heavy thing on your back. Dan gue makin nggak habis pikir waktu lo fine-fine aja menyampirkan satu tali tas itu di satu bahu aja. 

Damn, Sugar, why are you so adorable?

In case you need some hand massage, I think I can give you like really. I don't mean any funny thing, I just feel responsible.

Anyway, gue inget satu hal manis yang lo lakukan di malam penjemputan yaitu lo menawarkan biskuit pesawat yang lo gak makan ke gue, which I rejected because I already had the same one, waktu liat gue. Dan lo emang salah sih udah menghilangkan charger gue, tapi cara lo dari kemaren menawarkan mau ganti dengan beli di online shop dan nyuruh gue milih, yang gue tolak karena gue lagi nggak mood dan nggak enak juga sama elo, is just sweet like you.

You are the icing sugar. Sweet, and then cold for some reason, but then I realize that it's even a part of your sweetness.

And I want you so badly to spread those icing sugar on my life, the way every baker spread it on putri salju cookies untuk melengkapi rasanya.

Kenapa elo ternyata semanis ini, sih? /blush

(p.s: ini adalah racauan di saat gue lagi meriang di kamar hotel sekitar jam 11-12 malam, nungguin bisa tidur tapi malah nggak tidur-tidur. I really was sugar rush, I guess)

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The Grantor of Empty Hopes

The grantor of empty hopes seems like an overrated term to mention 'someone who likes giving empty hopes to his/her opposites, but never want to date one of them.' In Indonesia, it's called Pemberi Harapan Palsu or PHP. But let's forget about overrated or whatsoever, let's just focus on this post.

So, how much of you ever meet or even befriend with this kind of people? I am pretty sure so much of you ever do. I have met this kind of person, male one, and befriend closely, 2 times. Basically this kind of person don't have troubled personality, as far as I knew them. Even they have better personalities than anyone else.

I met the first one when I was in college. I thought I ever wrote about him in some posts in this blog, so I won't write about him in detail. He was cute, really cute, smart, and totally nice. I fell in love head over heels with him because he was physically my type and he always counted on me as if I was the only girl he could trust. He was charming and so nice to me. I always let him go but he always came back to me as if we couldn't be separated. But in the end, he never saw me as a special person. I was just one of his friends. 

I met the second one somewhere only we know, that I can't tell you. This person is superb nice. His attitude got 8 out of 10. His look...well, actually not so good in common, but to me he's cute. We didn't go well at the beginning, both of us seemed to keep distance to each other. He never tried to get closer to me, and I wasn't brave enough to do so because I was so charmed by his cuteness. But time somehow changes everything, since our relationship demands us to get closer and we had no reasons not to be. I heard stories about him, who is close to some girls but never dates any of them, and I have proved that it's true. Since I knew he was never serious to anyone, I thrown away my crush on him. I started to see him as ordinary friends, equal as the others. And what happened then? He never goes any further, he even gets closer to me, and treat me specially like I'm a special person to him. He is superb NICE to me. I already realized this since the first time we talked to each other when he helped me right away about something I need, without I asked. He was nice, and still, it has never changed, even grows stronger. With him, I had nothing to lose. I was poured with kindness, sweetness, nice treatments, even sweet caring words and compliments. I grab them all, yeah, because I am given those. I don't fall in love with him because of those, but I appreciate him. As a grantor of empty hopes, HE GOT CLASS. I know he don't think of me as a special girl, but his attitude never shows it. My point is I have nothing to lose with him. I don't even lose heart because I just follow his pattern and blend myself with him there. If he expects jar of hearts by pouring me with kindness, he can take it because I'm not gonna run out of it. 

Grantors of empty hopes are annoying, yes, because they will never think specially about us. Even if so, they won't let us have further relationship with them. They would only ruin our lives with sweet caring words, compliments, and special treatments. I have no idea why they would do such a thing, but it's probably related to insecurity of being left alone. 

And what should we do when we meet this kind of person? In my opinion and based on my experience, I would just take them all. Those caring attitude, words, compliments, treatments...for I have nothing to lose. I won't be afraid that heart would matter, because when I know this person gives empty hopes, I throw away my crush right at the moment. Grantors of empty hopes are basically not categorized to hated people. I think they don't deserve hatred for they always do nice things. What they can never give us is CERTAINTY. According to one of my posts last year, giving our hearts to grantor of empty hopes can cause CRUSHOPHOBIA. And who will lose anything? It's US.

Just be wise in facing this kind of person. Take the advantages, absorb their kindness until they can't give it anymore. And who will lose then? It's THEM.

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Somebody

Ah. Hello there. I'm here to just tell a simply complicated love story. Um...no. Not literally.

So, here it is. Right now, I am numb. I don't feel anything for men, even those that I always saw as my type (skinny, wearing glasses, tall, seems smart, etc.). When I see 'my type', I just thought they were like 'something I ever known before but I don't recognize it.' But don't get me wrong, I'm not closing my heart. If somebody, a man, wants to enter my life, then go ahead. Since the final decision would be on me, just do anything you love to do, but don't expect too high from me. I am numb, but not heart-closed, but unexpected.

Lately, I'm thinking about somebody in my past. Somebody good looking, smart, hard worker, kind, family loving, and...I guess, all the good stuff you can tell.

Not that I wanna fight for him again, I've told you I'm numb so what would I fight for? Besides, my love has been rejected. He wasn't my boyfriend, just a long-term crush, and he only saw me as a friend. But since the way he rejected me was (kinda) inappropriate, I can't be friends with him again.

Oh. I tried to, really. I added his Yahoo messenger again, in Facebook too, but he never seem to appear. Maybe I'm in his block list.

Just if you wanna know about him and all my desperate feelings on him, I have written some notes in Facebook. You can read in here, or here, or here, or here, or here.

I don't know why I lately think about him. The last time I heard he was attending my friend's wedding, alone (not with his girlfriend-seem-to-be), and it was around January. What comes to my mind is that he's single now. But what would I do? Nothing. I won't do anything. I don't feel anything towards him as well. I'm numb.

But I was just...some kinda acting weird when I opened his Facebook profile for fun. I straight scrolled to the down page. I...kinda resisted to see his photos closer. I don't know, maybe I was afraid I'll be trapped in his charm again. Even so, that's just a 'maybe' because my heart didn't skip beats. Lately it can't do.

I'm numb. But...yeah, I am.

Speaking of which, his face looks kinda like this:
Haha he's a model for my doodle! But his hair isn't that brown and his skin color is more tanned. such a good looking man. and what a lucky girl who is meant to be with him :)

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5th Year and it's still you, Kohashi Kenji :)

I knew a man about 5 years ago. He wasn't a friend, nah, LOL, because I watched his performance in a dorama.


I love Glass no Kamen manga so much. in Indonesia, it's translated as Topeng Kaca. I've been reading mangas since I was in elementary school, so I think it's kinda weird if I don't read that one legendary manga. Then I was told by my girl that she owned the dorama CD of Glass no Kamen, so I borrowed and watched it.

I found the actors are kinda weird and mismatched the roles, like the actress who portrayed Himekawa Ayumi, she was pretty and acted well but not gorgeous enough to be Ayumi. And the actor who portrayed Hayami Masumi really was ridiculous because he wasn't handsome nor stunning at all, but still performed good acting. I paid a bit attention to the girl who portrayed Kitajima Maya because she was so cute and innocent, and performed very well.

But, who cares about all those people? Since the first episode, I couldn't take my eyes off of the boy who played Sakurakouji Yuu. He was just cute and innocent, and looked very simple. He performed well too, although he wasn't handsome enough to portray Sakurakouji. Thought he must be around 15 because he looked so young and plain hahah but still, I couldn't take my eyes off. Unlike the other Japanese male performers, I don't find him gorgeous nor has a celebrity aura. He was just taking all my attentions by his innocence and simplicity.


And what did I do next? Of course googling him, and I found his name was Kohashi Kenji.

I tracked and tracked him in all search engines I knew. Then I was surprised with a fact that he was born in 1979, so that he portrayed Sakurakouji in Glass no Kamen when he was 18 because that dorama was produced in 1997! How do Japanese always look younger than their ages? -_-

I found a fan-site of him, but it has been closed while my registration hasn't been approved by the admin. Sigh. This photo was in the front page.


well, I like it. LOL

He also had a website that he ran by himself. From his blog, thanks to Google Translate, I knew he loves traveling and photography a lot. Oh and surfing too. I first thought his new job is a photographer, but I was wrong, that was just his hobby. I tried to contact this man by comments in his blog posts, e-mail on his contact blog, but I never reached him. Until one day I found the website was closed and there was an announcement that he was remaking it.

After some months, or years, I forgot, (I think it was months because I've just spent the 5th year of knowing him LOL) his blog was opened again but only the front page, I couldn't see the contents. Until one day I found a blog of Tokyo Big Boys, but he seemed to be included. So I tracked and searched, again, and I found he built a DJ group with his partner, So, named Big Boys. Just if you want to know, you can read about them and their writings here.

I also found news that Kenji was back to acting world, including movies, but right now not only as the actor but also the director. He directed a documentary movie, which storyline is considered inspiring. The movie is titled Don't Stop, and I'd be gladly watching it if I could :3

Beside acting and DJ-ing, he is still traveling and photo-taking (well, nobody can't miss the hobby stuff), and makes promotion videos of a fashion brand named Soareak. I don't know whether he was the web designer or not, but I found the website is adorable and beautiful. He posted the videos too in Youtube, but I haven't watched it (yeah I'm so clumsy not to watch it before posting this). Later on I might write again after I watch it.

Things are getting closer. He had a Twitter account, which I followed but it seemed to be in trouble so he deactivated it. It was fun to have a direct updates right from him, so I was kinda sad when he deleted the account. But then he made another account again, YAY, and I followed him again until now :)

I'm still wondering what I like in Kenji. He's not that hot, not handsome. Cute, yeah, okay, but not too cute. He's even 31 going on 32 now, so old, so he's not as cute as when I first saw him in Glass no Kamen. But from his writings, both blogs and tweets, I can tell he's a good person. He worships God, although I don't know he's a religious one or just believing, and acts great to people. He has a lot of friends and fans. He appreciates nature.

I ever had a friend I knew from his website, we chatted, and she told me she ever saw Kenji directly and told me he really was handsome. Haha I think he's not handsome, still, but maybe that's a Japanese taste, I don't know.

Then, the disaster news in Japan shocked me. It was terrible to have such a huge earthquake and huge wave that caused tsunami. Everytime I knew the number of people die increases, I was like hurt. Haha weird eh, I didn't even feel like that about disasters in Indonesia, my OWN country. Maybe since I was kid I read mangas, I feel so connected to Japan. And I also worry about Kenji, although he don't live by the seashore. And I was glad to know he is okay when he updated his status in Facebook. Anyway, I haven't been approved by him in Facebook, sigh -_-

What surprised me was he kept tweeting and retweeting every news about the disaster. Every donation link, every information about missing people, and such things. To know that his Twitter followers has reached 2000, I think his tweets and RT's are very useful. I think he knew it so he used it to spread information, because I saw his tweets were RT'ed so many times by so many people.

And I was kinda touched to know he and his friends run a donation project called We Are The One. beside I love his picture in the website, LOL, I am amazed of how he cares about what happens in his country. In his tweets and Facebook status, he kept encouraging and affirming people in Japan to struggle and not giving up. He keeps believing that they're strong, and spread his belief to people to encourage them. That's what I call AWESOME. He's not selfish, he's using his link and fame to help and encourage people in disaster.

Unfortunately, I haven't reached him until now. He never approved me as friend in Facebook nor even responded to my mentions in Twitter. I know he has thousands of follower, but why not to respond me, at least one, when I complied or saying good things about or around him? Sigh ._.

I just hope one day we can be friends. He might not has an Indonesian friend, so I can be one, and from me he will know he can solo-travel to this country.

So, since I have spent 5 years keeping eyes on Kenji, there were times I quit but then I always come back, I doodled him. Yep since now I can doodle. Unfortunately when I mentioned him with this doodle, I wasn't still responded (sigh) but at least I tried. Oh I almost forgot to say that even until now I have no idea about his loving relationship status. Whether he's gay or straight. But I have a feeling he's a single straight. Just a feeling, I can just be wrong. And I guess he's single because he hasn't met me yet he still enjoys doing his jobs.

And here are the doodles I made

LOL I made this one just because I adore the Big Boys members' relationship. Kenji is so cute partnered with So, and from their blog posts (and tweets), I can tell they're very good partners. They don't always go anywhere together since they have their own side jobs beside DJ-ing, but how they keep in touch kinda amazes me. I mentioned both Kenji and So with this doodle, but only So replied me with a thank you and a compliment :)


this one I made for a celebration of 5 years since I knew him. LOL. I doodled him in that costume as Sakurakouji based on this photo

meh I know I drew wrong towel, whatever.

Last words, I hope he always got good luck in his job and life. That his relatives and friends are safe from the latest disaster. That we can be married be friends after all.

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Crushophobia

What is crushophobia? Ahem...since this word is originally made by me, so I must be responsible to give the best definition about this new kind of phobia. LOL

Crushophobia: a weird fear of falling in love with uncertain person, and the phobiac is used to want to stop everyone who is in love in uncertainty (from @fitriaridzikita, my twitter account). in Bahasa Indonesia, I translate it as: ketakutan yang aneh terhadap perasaan cinta kepada orang yang tidak bersikap jelas, dan penderita cenderung memiliki keinginan untuk menghentikan setiap orang yang jatuh cinta dalam ketidakjelasan.

actually, there is no such phobia in the world, everything just came out from my insane mind LOL. based on the condition and feelings that happen to me, that new kind of phobia appeared in my mind.

before everyone misunderstands this negative phobia, I want to confirm some things as follows:
1. Crushophobiac is not afraid to fall in love. she/he is just trying hard to prevent her/himself from falling in love too deep before everything is certain and clear.
2. Crushophobiac is very logical. she/he always tell people to stop falling in love deeply when everything is yet uncertain.
3. Crushophobiac prefers to fall in unrequited love forever to an/some impossible man/woman, like idols, public figures, or whatever role models, instead of falling in love uncertainly with man/woman around. of course she/he wants to fall in love with ordinary people, but it's not deeply unless it's been certain.
4. Crushophobiac is caused by a dark and gloomy past, when she/he was falling in love too deep with an uncertain person, and in the end it was still unrequited.

for your info, uncertain person here means: a man/woman, used to be an enough-close friend to the crushophobiac, whom the phobiac loved so much. this uncertain person acted uncertainly, sometimes she/he looked so in love and care about the phobiac (even doing special sweet things), but another time she/he acted like nothing ever happened. she/he made some conditions that made the phobiac flew so high with big hopes, but in the end she/he told the phobiac that 'everything was because we are just friends.'

oh well, I don't think I'll translate about uncertain person to Bahasa Indonesia. I'm afraid I'll add some yells to it LOL.

But anyway, crushophobiac is not a real bad thing. this can happen to anyone who experienced dark love past. crushophobiac only needs a little time to think of how beautiful falling in love is, even when it's uncertain.

uh, but I still prefer to be logical and crushophobiac until I meet the one. LOL

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