Crossroad

When I was still jobless, I was standing on a crossroad. I was confused until I was sick. My body couldn't seem to help my confusion. I didn't know where to go, which road to cross. I have no idea of which one was best for me.

In the 2nd week since my resignation, I was accepted in a law firm. I had a strong feeling since the first moments that I would be accepted, because I passed the written test and my name was number one on the list (while I wasn't sure because I answered the questions without any preparations, without studying, just a dictionary with me). In the interview session, the partner and associates were like so attracted to me. I actually was attracted too, but when they said I was over qualified and they can't pay my expected salary, I thought twice.

It came true. I got a phone call, saying I was accepted and I must come to the office by 2 days after the phone call day. I said yes. But then I was thinking again, about the 'over-qualified' and the salary. While I actually had another test in another law firm and I was called for an interview. I was more attracted to the 'other' law firm because of its location and seemed like they could pay my expected salary. I spent the night in confusion. I had no idea which way to turn. Whether I must take the firm that accepted me, or wait a little longer for a better opportunity.

The next day, I was sick. I got a terrible sudden fever.

But I still went to the other firm for the interview. Poor that they can't decide right away of my acceptance. And since my fever was getting worse, I finally decided to release the firm that accepted me. I felt wrong. I called them by phone, saying I couldn't join them and apologized. They understood my decision. But then I cried. Tears just suddenly dropped from my eyes, I somehow felt hurt of letting go of something I wanted so much: a litigation law firm.

In the end, I wasn't accepted in the 'other' firm. I was accepted in a firm whose invitation was neglected by me at first, but I asked for a reschedule to them and they gave me a chance. Now here I am, in a place that I unexpectedly expected.

I was alone in a crossroad. No one was standing beside me. Some family members and friends gave me advices, but still I was the decision maker. But that's how my life always been. I am always the decision maker. Everyone may say anything, but no one can interfere me, not even standing on my way to get what I want.

My confusion turned into a poem. I analogized 'jobs' with 'loved people'. I think it's sort of similar, when you stand in a crossroad of which job to take, or which man/woman to fight for and be your lover. It's titled 'Crossroad.'

I'm just a girl in a crossroad
I'm in between two choices
I don't know which way to go
For I care about both

I'm just a girl in a crossroad
One way leads to ice mountain
I'm a sun who needs to shine there
I realize I must cross this path

I'm just a girl in a crossroad
Another way leads to green grass
A place I need to lay my head down
Because I'm tired of staying strong

I'm just a girl in a crossroad
Don't judge me for you never know
What it feels to be in my side
What it feels to have no idea

I'm just a girl in a crossroad
I'm not playing with hearts
I mean every word I say
And I mean my purpose to get there

I'm just a girl in a crossroad
One way is what I care about
The other is what I adore most
Why should I choose only one?

I'm just a girl in a crossroad
I'm just falling in love
And all I have is just love
For two hearts

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Passionately Workaholic

You know what? Men who are passionately workaholic are sexy. I repeat, they are SEXY.

But please take this note: only the passionate ones. I mean it's them who work based totally on their passion and choice. Not everyone else's choice or force. Not because their parents want them to have that job. Not because their friends have such job. They work because it's their passion and the reason they were born into this world.

Sounds overrated? Indeed it doesn't.

I say they are sexy because they are passionate. People who work passionately will give their best effort to get all the jobs done, and they do it with fun like playing games. Yup, like playing games because they don't think of the job as a job, but as something they were born to do. And people who are passionate like this usually master the majors. Not as an expert, and sometimes not even well-known, but they really know what to do there. When they work, they are drowning in their own worlds, and couldn't seem to get back to earth. So instead of being annoyed by this kind of attitude, we better leave them and respect them by giving them time when they work.

And the results of their work?

So far, they're amazing.

As I wrote above, they give the best effort to get things done. From best effort comes great result. And from the process, they always find new lessons to learn. They have lives worth living. Lives that not everyone else can have.

But, yes, not everyone can be as lucky as these passionately workaholic people. Most of the time people can't even realize their true passions or figure out their hidden talents. Most people don't even get the chances to live according to their passions because of everyone else's force at them to do something else. Meanwhile, if you think life is easier for the passionately workaholic people, you're wrong.

Life is harder for them. Why? Because they do things according to only their passion. They don't listen to people who oppose them, they believe they do the right things. They do things not in common, sometimes considered abnormal. And for people who don't understand, they can be seen as wasting time and wasting money. People can also judge them when their works don't give fix income, high salary, or in short: a lot of money. When they fail, people who don't understand and oppose them would judge like 'see? I told you, don't do such job, this is wasting time and you don't even get richer.'

Life is harder for them, but to see them never stop is amazing. That's adorable.

I am categorized as a lucky passionately workaholic person as well. I live my life all according to my passion, to my way. I don't listen to people who oppose, I believe this is the reason I  was born into this world. Instead of keeping them oppose, I try my best to proove to them that they are wrong, that I really am capable to work on this, that I am happy living this life. Oh and my major is law. I haven't mastered it for sure, there are so much things I still need to learn, but I'm very passionate on this.

I tend to adore head over heels those passionately workaholic men. I realize they are annoying when they are drowning in their works. And I realize they are kind of not qualified to be loved by girls in common, because of their 'drowning' attitude. But I adore them. Maybe because I know how to be in their shoes, and I know they will respect me when I work because they work like me too. 

I wonder what would happen if two passionately workaholic people were in love with each other.I think maybe they would really respect each other, because they know how to be in each others' shoes, as I mentioned above. But really, I wonder what. And...I kind of hope to find a passionately workaholic man. I realize life would be harder for us, but I guess this is the only way for us to be happy by living our lives the way we should be.

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When You Believe

What is your formula for success?

 

Working hard, never giving up, always believe that things will end up happily at the right moment. 

That was my answer when Formspring asked me. To tell you what really happens, I guess I need to explain the whole story.

I decided to quit my job several weeks ago. I already felt like I didn't find myself there anymore, I wasn't even motivated to come to the office everyday. My life was perfect, except my work life. I always dream to be a lawyer, but what I did in my previous job was like...wrong. So I did expect a resignation, and there I did.

But it never meant that I want to be jobless. As I ever wrote in one of my posts, I am embarassed of being jobless, not productive. I don't know everyone else, but to me my job is my pride. Even though I might not do it right, at least to have a job can keep my head up. Even though I still live with my parents and they still feed me, and I am not the one who's responsible of family financial, still I don't want to remain jobless. I want to be useful. I need to work.

So, right after my resignation I applied to a lot of vacancies. Yes, a lot of. It's supposed to be more than 100 offices. And since I applied like I would die tomorrow, I always had job calls everyday, either it's a law test, psychotest, or an interview. Two days after my resignation, I was accepted as a legal officer in a property company. Too bad, to get to the office costs enough high and they didn't give me higher salary than in my previous office. So I rejected it.

In a blazzing saturday, I had a test in a law firm. I passed the test, my name was the first appointed, then I had an interview. That was fun, really, the people impressed me. Too bad, I was over qualified for the job. I was accepted, but as a paralegal, and they paid me, again, lower than my salary in my previous office. I said yes at first, but then I changed my mind, because I realize fresh graduates deserve it more than me. 

You must be wondering why I concern so much about salary. Well, here is my explanation. I have monthly saving. Each month I have exact nominal to save in my bank account. Then I must pay reimbursement for transportation allowance to my mother, and I must pay my health insurance. If I were to be paid under 3 million IDR, all my salary would be spend only for saving, transportation allowance, and health insurance. I will not be able to have it for myself and for people I care about in their birthdays.

Then, in a cloudy Thursday I had a psychotest and law test in a law firm. Seriously the psychotest made me psycho, it was totally difficult and I believed I wouldn't pass. I kind of fell in love with the office location, but that test kept me down. Unexpectedly, they called me for an interview yesterday. The interview was in 98% English and one of the interviewer seems to be a Japanese. I tried being cheerful and smile during that depressing interview, especially when the managing partner talked about my D scores in transcript. I kind of adore how they manage their office, but still, that interview was depressing and I thought I wouldn't pass. Until I got a phone call when I was interviewed in a lawfirm this morning. Turn out, that phone call was from this office with its depressing tests and interview.

 

I was told that I was accepted and the HR wanted to talk about the nominal for my salary. It was supposed to be tomorrow morning but I asked to do it today, while I haven't been home. So, that was all. They pay me a little lower than my previous salary, but it fills my standard. We all agred about everything, and I will start to work next Monday.

 

I got a new job in not even a month after my resignation in an unexpected office.

 

It's kind of faster that I expected. Indeed, it's really fast because I should have been working again only within 2 days after my resignation. I think this feedback is what I deserve from applying like crazy to a lot of offices. Miracle does happen. It happens because I believe and I work for it.

 

Let's start my new life then! A happy ending is a brand new beginning!

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I am Ashamed to be Useless (and Dammit, It's Not Overrated)!

To be honest, I was jobless for so long. Seriously, so long.


I was graduated in the middle of 2008. Even before the ceremony started, I have applied for jobs to some companies and law firms. Some called me for interviews and test, but I only passed some. Some that didn't give me appropriate salary. And when I said it was inappropriate, it really was. I mean it was under Regional Minimum Wage in Jakarta. WTH? I'm a bachelor degree, and I got bachelor of law after my name, how did they do that to me?

That kind of things happened over and over again. If I were not accepted, I was accepted with inappropriate salary. I was jobless for almost 6 months, while all my friends have been accepted and worked. I was ashamed, I didn't even want to attend events where all my friends were invited. I felt like I couldn't face them if I haven't got a job, even though they wouldn't matter with that.

I once told my friend, honestly my crush, that there were times when I wanted to commit suicide during those jobless days. But he said I was overrated. He wondered why we have to be so ashamed like that. I think he just didn't get the point. And I knew why, because he was never been in my shoes. If I'm not wrong, not long after his graduation day, he was accepted to work in a manufacturing company that belongs to Japan. Dammit! How the heck he would understand how it feels to be in MY shoes, heh? He was absolutely never there. And for more information, if I'm not wrong again, he's still working in that company until now, and I think he's got a high position there since last year he worked in Japan.

Okay, the point is I TOTALLY ENVY HIM ABOUT THAT JAPAN STUFF! Happy?

But it's not what I wanna talk about in this post. My point is 'it's very normal and human that we feel ashamed when we are useless.'

I felt totally ashamed when I was jobless. It means I was useless. I wasn't productive. I didn't work, I didn't make money, I didn't apply all my knowledge and everything I've studied all the time, since I was kind until I graduated from university. And there's nothing good with being useless. It wasn't good at all, in my case. I didn't make money when I should, so my parents didn't easily give me money if I didn't give good reason or I didn't need it so badly. Life was hard for me. I thank God that I still have place to home, to sleep, to eat. Imagine if I didn't? I would sleep by the corner of the street, eat from dust cans, and beg people for money. I had no savings at all, because how did I save? How did I got the money to save? I was just a newly graduate!

I couldn't face my friends. I only met them who haven't graduated, not them who had found jobs. I once thought that there was no use that I went to university, because I have friends who still got jobs even though they are just high-school graduates. I wanted to commit suicide. I was thinking about the best ways that won't hurt me and straight kill me, from cutting arm until jumping off the roof. I was ashamed when I met my relatives and they asked where I worked, and I became sarcastic when talking about it to them. I was a total bitch. I became a total bitch because I was ashamed of being useless.

And I wonder why people don't get that feeling. I know no one in this world was born to be useless except he/she makes him/herself so, but everyone must find moments when he/she was useless. When others around him/her have been more advanced, and he/she is still standing on the same place from before. When others around him/her have been able to do something for people, while he/she is only sitting in his/her house, doing nothing.

Okay, maybe not everyone would act 'overrated' like me. But...being jobless while the others got jobs? Come on, it's shameful. Although things like that is usually about time, still we must feel ashamed of being jobless, useless. And I thinks it's very normal and human. It's not overrated. People who said it's overrated must be very Indonesia. Sorry, I don't mean to diss this country and its people, but seriously it's like that.

I once heard a story that in developed countries, no one is homeless. The government afford them, although it was just for daily needs. I mean it was just enough for food and clothes, those poor people can't do shopping and pay for entertainment like rich people. It's not so bad, at least they have place to home, to sleep, to eat, and are not naked. but then, do they accept everything and enjoy it? NO.

They look for jobs. They're ashamed of being feed by government, and they must not feel enough only by a place to home, to eat, etc. They have PRIDE. They know they can't just stay lazy, do nothing, and take everything from the government. They work until the government knows they can afford themselves. Oh my God, they just have PRIDE. And it's the high one. Their damn pride is just fuckin' high.

Compared to Indonesian people, what would they do if the government afford their lives? Of course, they would take it happily and never thought to look for job so that the government would afford them until they die. I just learn from what I see, like when the district government gave nine main materials (sembako), the people didn't stay calmly in queue. They just break it just to get the free sembako, so that some people are usually killed in such moments. And do they give a damn to the died people? I am never sure about that, since their purpose is just the free sembako, and they got it successfully.

Please, people, have a high pride! Be ashamed when you're useless! There's nothing wrong with having high pride and feeling ashamed when you're useless, it's not overrated at all. It's normal, it's very human. Please stop depending on other people, just try to stand on your own two feet! Don't sweat the small stuff, just do the best to be not useless anymore. And I think that's what people in developed countries do, so that their countries can be so damn developed.

I'm bored that Indonesia is only a developing country. Since I was kid, since I was studying about this country in elementary school, Indonesia has always been a developING country, until now. It has never been developED. And I'm BO to the RED, since my age will be a quarter of a century by next month.

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Special Choices

Yesterday I went out lunch with ex-colleague in previous office. My previous office was a Public Service Body under the authority of Deputy of Marketing in a ministry.

She told me about two ex-colleagues who have resigned because they were accepted to work in the ministry, a boy and a girl. The boy's father was a SPV in my previous office, at the same time also an important respected person in the ministry. The girl's father-in-law is the secretary of the minister. This means they have special treatments and facilities during work.

The boy's father will be retired because of his age, so that my previous office would lose its SPV. And guess what happens? The boy is now in charge of his father's job. He is a public employee in ministry who's also a private employee in my prev office. And he has just begun his 2nd year as a public employee.

The girl is given a choice. Whether she wants her office in ministry or in prev office, and I heard rumors that she picked prev office. She just hasn't decided in which department she would work. And she has just accepted as a public employee in ministry from last year's entrance test. So, this is still her first workdays.

Whoa. It's so awesome to have parents who are important respected person in public department. In ministry. In government. Whatever. You can have your own choice. When others must give up of where they would be placed in placement section, you don't need to worry about anything because your parents, or people around your parents, will hand you choices. Or even if they don't give it, I guess you are allowed to request. Like...seriously. You can.

It's a beautiful life. A beautiful destiny. A great luck. A big chance that not everyone can get.

Compared to myself who is not a child of anyone in government, I would not get that chance. If I stayed in prev office, I might spend the rest of my life working as a legal staff, paid under 3 million IDR, and I would never ever be able to afford The Executive items for myself. I would never ever shop like a psychopath in online shops, I would never swipe my debit card so easily when I found big sale in malls. I would end-up as a pitiful employee, who's a graduate of a famous law school in this country but working in a wrong foolish office, which is related to our foolish government. Oh, and I would not be accepted as a public employee in ministry, for sure.

But if you ask me whether I'm jealous of those children, I say NO clearly.

I still prefer myself, my life. I work in a place I've always dreamed about, paid well enough (well at least now I can shop with my own money and my mother don't want to buy me stuff again for she knows my salary), I have great colleagues, nice boss, and I don't feel lack of anything in my job. I don't need those choices, I don't even want to apply as a public employee until I die. I have tried once working with public employees and I found it stinks too much, and I know that's not what I want to be.

Besides, who needs that choice if I have had a job I always dream about? Who needs to be a children of somebody in government, if my plane-pilot father and my multi-talented housewife mother SUPPORT me at the top rate to do anything I want to do, to be a person I want to be, and to live my life the way I want to?

Well, now I know it's not fair. I can say that much when I've got my position now. Maybe I'll speak differently if I were still in prev office LOL but still, I don't need parents from government, for REALLY.

And, this is real. This is me, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be :)

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