The Awkward Trial: Start of Love

Hey there!

I come back with this one stuff. A new poem. Lately condition in my office is fun to me, so that I'm kind of opened to listen to my friends' stories, and I found them interesting. Here it is.

My office allows its employees to date or even marry each others. How cool is that?

So I heard stories regarding some couples there. The most inspiring one was from my teammate's, who was just married about one month ago. When he first dated his wife, such idea just popped up in his mind, accidentally, even in that day he was still dating 2 other girls. But then they just went dating, and at night when he was calling his girlfriends, he suddenly thought about that girl who is now his wife. Just that simple, how love can start. In an unpredictable way.

I'm just amazed of how it started only by a dinner-for-two moment, once.

And then I'm also inspired by Endy's Green Light. I don't know why I'm becoming a huge fan of songs that he composes and sings, but this Green Light one is just lyrically unique. I have always wanted to write a poem which words are like in Green Light lyrics, then I'm eventually inspired by my workdays. How?

There's a civil case handled by my office. I and team drafted the documents and edited them over and over. Since our client is foreign company, I am given task to translate all those documents (and now I become sworn translator in team a.k.a penerjemah disumpahin). Now that I keep reading and translating, some words creep into my mind and I can't forget them. So I made a decision. If Green Light is regarding riding cars in the street, waiting for green light to move forward, I make this one new poem as a trial process, waiting for the verdict to be executed.

Here it is. Do you love it or hate it? Because I love it so much!

It all started from a dinner
Dispute in myself grows harder
While I swear we'll never get closer
Every settlement can't separate us further

You come to my senses
I'm damaged, need your compensations

My mind now sues my heart
Charging that I breach my own contract
Your sweet favor made this lawsuit looks hard
There'll be no objections in front of the judge

The little things you notice in me
Breaks term and condition prevailed previously
Who cares of what you are or what you'll be
While in your eyes it's only me you see?

Don't put me in obscurity
You won't want me to seize you for security

The evidences show you're never a good option
But even my brain can't deal this in mediation
Solving this case, I need to write conclusion
And let's expect the verdict becomes affection

I have a lot of fun beside you
Don't revoke, so I stay longer with you

This poem's title has been changed 2 times, until I decided it as 'The Awkward Trial'. When I was done writing, I read again and felt like I didn't really put the 'love' in it. But then I realize, this poem is inspired by a 'start of love', not yet love. So I think, in this poem, the subject is still arguing with his/her heart and mind to decide whether he/she will fall in love or not. He/she is waiting for a final verdict. While waiting, he/she is enjoying each day of the trial.

And I seriously love, I repeat, I love this poem.

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Suddenly Love

"Dia menyukaimu karena kamu berbakat."

Begitulah bunyi jawaban kartu ramalan teman baikku ketika aku bertanya apakah kamu pernah menyukaiku, lalu kutarik satu lembar dari banyak kartu yang berserakan. Aku tertawa. Dua teman baikku yang lain juga tertawa.

"Wajar," kataku, "Memang begitulah aku di matanya selama ini."

Aku bertemu kamu di penghujung tahun lalu. Kesan yang kutangkap ada dua: kamu secerdas yang pernah diceritakan kepadaku, dan kamu menguasai bidang keahlianmu. Secara fisik, minus kacamata, kamu sempurna sebagai tipe pria kesukaanku. Namun di hari pertemuan itu, aku sudah jatuh cinta pada salah satu teman baikku.

Bukannya aku tidak melihatmu sama sekali, meski begitu. Bagaimana bisa? Yang mewujudkan mimpiku adalah kamu. Yah, mimpi itu. Mimpi tentang kata yang kurangkai, yang mengalur bersama nada. Tentu kamu jelas terlihat di mataku. Tidak kabur, apalagi berbayang. Sosokmu terang, nyata.

Aku mengagumi kamu. Tidak bisa tidak.

Sayangnya, saat bekerja denganku, kamu bukan si nomor satu di hati dan benakku.

Kemudian kamu memperlihatkan kepada seluruh dunia tentang ketertarikanmu pada seseorang. Ya, seseorang yang tidak kukenal, mamun aku tahu dia sama sekali tidak seperti aku. Dengan kata lain, bukan aku. Aku terdiam. Terbersit kekecewaan yang lalu berhasil kutepis.

Aku. Hanya. Penggemarmu.

Karenanya, aku tidak berhak cemburu pada seseorang itu. Ditambah lagi aku sadar aku tidak pernah jatuh cinta padamu, yang mendorongku untuk menuangkan pemikiranku tentang 'cinta yang tidak selalu dimulai dari penampilan fisik atau tipe kesukaan'. Kutulis pemikiranku, dan kusebarkan kepada publik. Entah kamu membacanya atau tidak.

Ya, saat itu aku sadar aku tidak pernah jatuh cinta padamu. Meski kamu tipe kesukaanku, meski kamu yang membantu mewujudkan mimpiku.

Tapi pagi ini aku merasa aneh. Kudengar lagu kesukaanku yang kamu ingat, lalu tiba-tiba...aku menginginkanmu. Tiba-tiba kamu masuk ke benakku. Tentu hal ini bukan yang pertama kali, mengingat aku penggemarmu, tapi tetap aku merasa aneh.

Aku tiba-tiba menyukaimu.

Dan aku kesal ramalanku mengatakan kamu melihatku hanya karena aku berbakat, yang juga tidak seberapa. Aku bukan seniman. Aku hanya pekerja biasa, yang tidak memerlukan kreatifitas. Pun perlu, bukan secara artistik. Mengapa bukan diriku saja yang kamu sukai? Mengapa kamu melihatku hanya sebagai sumber daya manusia, bukan sebagai wanita?

Sudahlah.

Salahku sendiri yang terlambat menyadari keberadaanmu.

I first met you while having my tea

You called, came, smiled at me

It happened unplanned but naturally

You took me to a world where you used to be

I once stated I never fell for you

I guess everyone noticed, including you

Kind of sure what I believed was true

Until this morning I listened to you

I am just a fangirl passing by

I have nothing for you to give a try

But a small thought of you made me fly

This time, I resist to say goodbye

Like a fool, I feel this so suddenly

A love I feel, too late for you to see

I see how I'll fight with this hopelessly

For I know we're never meant to be

You taught me how to create serenade

As I listened carefully right at your side

I remember every moment you made

Through your words, it was me that you guide

You once made my dream came true

Now that it was done, I want you too

I hear your voice, I feel hugged by you

Out of every vocal, I only sense you

Slowly I write, I open my two eyes

I drink my tea again and realize

Out of reach, still it's you I recognize

So I close my book to stop the paralyze

I am just a fangirl passing by

Just a talent you knew worth to try

After it was wrapped, you said goodbye

As I stay, wiping tears of late regret I cry

Teruntuk kalian yang sedang atau pernah jatuh cinta kepada sang idola

P.s: Suddenly Love is the title of the poem herein

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Seharusnya Kamu

Bilakah waktu dapat kuulang kembali untuk mencintaimu?

Kukira tugas itu dilimpahkan hanya kepadaku. Ya, tugas untuk mencairkan hatinya. Pria yang bagaikan es, yang kupikir dapat mencair bila kusinari dengan cahayaku. Aku percaya keberadaanku di dunia adalah untuk itu. Aku percaya ialah bukti keberadaanku.

Ya, aku percaya. Karena kamu pun mempercayaiku.

Kamu yang selalu di sisiku. Mempercayaiku. Berkata aku mampu. Menopangku ketika redup cahayaku, agar bersinar selalu. 

Tiga kali aku jatuh dan bangkit kembali. Tiga kali cahayaku meredup, namun kau buat ia terang berkali-kali. Aku muak bersinar terang, setiap detik, tanpa hasil. Aku muak berjuang tanpa hasil. Namun aku sendiri yang memutuskan untuk kembali, selalu aku. Dan kamu selalu berada di sana. Di sisiku, mendukungku. 

Hingga badai itu datang, membawamu pergi dariku.

Kuputuskan untuk mundur, tiada lagi bercahaya untuk sang gunung es. Aku muak. Lelah. Dan aku tahu, tak sedikitpun cahayaku berguna. Apapun yang kulakukan tak berhasil mencairkannya. Kepercayaanku hilang. Hidupku bukan untuknya. 

Dan aku tahu, badai itu tidak berlalu karena kamu melindungiku agar ia tak menyakitiku. Kamu tidak lagi berada di sisiku agar tidak lagi mendukungku, karena kamu tahu dukunganmu pun tidak berarti. Hanya akan membuatku ingin bersinar kembali tanpa bisa mengubah apapun. Hanya akan membuatku sakit.

Lalu aku memilihmu. Aku memilih untuk berhenti agar kamu kembali ke sisiku. Entah bagimu, tapi kamu adalah salah satu hal terbaik yang pernah terjadi dalam hidupku. Singkat, namun setiap detik tersimpan rapi dalam waktuku. Caramu melindungiku yang kuharap kutahu sejak awal, namun ketika kutahu, aku tahu aku terlambat.

Tak pernah ku tahu kapan kau akan kembali ke sisiku. Tak mampu pula aku berharap. Aku menghormati keputusanmu untuk tidak berada dekat denganku, tak sanggup mengusikmu. Namun andai waktu dapat kuputar kembali...

...kurasa, aku ingin mencintaimu.

Aku ingin bersinar untukmu. Aku ingin berjuang mendapatkan hatimu. Meski sulit, meski kamu tak seperti pria-pria yang selalu menarik perhatianku. Tapi, mungkin akan jauh lebih berarti. Mengapa tidak? Mengapa tidak mencintaimu, yang selalu berada di sisiku? Mengapa tidak menyayangimu yang selalu menyayangiku? Mengapa tidak mempedulikanmu yang selalu memikirkanku? Mengapa tidak mengejarmu yang tak pernah berhenti mempercayaiku?

Bukan untuk mendapatkan cintamu. Bukan pula semata untuk menjadikanmu kekasihku. Hanya mencintaimu. Hanya itu. Hanya karena kamu pantas mendapatkan hatiku.

 

Hanya karena kamulah yang layak untuk cintaku. Bukan dia.

Namun, seperti yang selalu terjadi pada siapapun, bukan?

Ya.

Penyesalan selalu datang terlambat. 

Teruntuk kalian yang memiliki kisah serupa. Yang mengalami salah alamat saat mengirim sang cinta.

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Hate is Love

Do you ever hate anyone in your life?

No worries. It's human being. To hate, to love, to give damn, to give none, it's all about being a human. I never known anyone who never felt those feelings. Because if I did, I must have met an angel. Or God, maybe.

At the time being (aha, now I sound like my boss) I want to talk about the 'hate'.

We must have ever hated anyone. The reason is various. Maybe he/she annoys us. Maybe he/she has different opinion. Maybe he/she stabs us is the back. Maybe he/she stains our names. Maybe he/she is more beautiful. Maybe he/she is smarter. Maybe he/she is richer. Maybe he/she wins heart of people we expect to be our lovers. And there are still lots of maybe I haven't mentioned here. But we must have ever experienced hating someone. Maybe not openly, maybe silently. We can do it by many ways.

What do you think when you hate someone?

I ever once, twice, posted in December last year. It was about a wicked witch in a village. Yes, it was about an unwanted employee in my previous office. I hated him, so much. And because I hated him, everything he did looked wrong in my eyes. Including ordinary actions. Actions that, before I hated him, looked fine in my eyes. 

But then I realize. When I hated him, I was thinking of him. He was in my mind, as a person I hated. His particular actions were running in my mind. His annoying voice was echoing in my head. He was simply in my mind until we finally cut all our connections. Then, what was the difference between him and my friends? What was the difference between him and my family? Both of them are always in my mind, right?

Yes, the feeling is different. Still, all of them are in the same places: my heart and mind.

So, why can't we conclude that he was as important as my friends and family?

Because if he wasn't, he wouldn't be anywhere in my life. None of him would be in my heart and mind. I would give no damn about him, wouldn't even think he was alive.

My question is now: don't you think that 'hate' is a different way to 'love'?

I have reached such a conclusion. 'Hate' is a different way to love. You hate him? Yes, you love him. You hate her? Yes, you love her. Because do you know why parents yell to their kids when the kids make mistakes? Yes, because they love the kids, but they show it with a 'hate' action.

The difference is only one: to hate is tiring and giving bad impact to our heart and mind. Do you want to discuss about this? I don't. I think it's obvious. You may contact me personally to talk about it, if you want to.

Love your haters. Because like your family and friends, you have special places in their hearts.

p.s: I have made a reconciliation with the 'hated' ex-coworker. We're friends again like nothing ever happened :)

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Natural Love

You can never force love.

Everyone in this world must has his/her own favorite type of woman and man. I surely have one too. Out of all men, I love the geeky or nerdy type. Them with skinny body, wearing glasses is more preferable. I don't know why I love watching them and want to have a lover like them (or have them as my lovers). 

That's a taste, I guess. Like my taste to chocolates, to eggs, but I have no taste to fruit. I have no taste to manly man, them who are muscular and protective to the girls. 

I once thought, whoever the man, as long as he's nerdy or geeky, especially glasses-worn, I will always fall for him. No matter what, I thought I'll always easily fall for this kind of man. 

So when my friend offered to introduce me with one man with this type, I approved easily. That day, I already fell in love with someone, but since I wasn't anyone's girlfriend yet, why should I close my eyes and heart?

But what happened was kind of surprising me. I was pushed to fall in love with this 'geeky' man, I was even teased and forced to read signs, but...still, I didn't fall. I admired him, but I know it wasn't love. I ever thought I was standing on a crossroad of choosing between this 'geeky' man and the man I already loved, but I had always decided to choose the man I already loved.

Since I know that love is never about who comes first into one's life, I can conclude I never fell in love with this geek. While guess what? He was extremely sexy in my eyes. He got the brain, the look, and the attitude, 3 things that can win my heart. He never lacked of anything to make him lose to the man I already loved. I can tell he was perfect.

But I never fell for him. I am just his hardcore fangirl.

Until one day I figured out he was matched to another girl, and I was just like...'Oh, I know now. This is why you were never my choice, no matter what you have done for me. I was like already know you were not the one.' Then I gave up. That easily. Like it wasn't me. 

This kind of thing also happened to other man. I met him in a public transportation I was used to ride because our houses are close to each others. I was curious of him when we haven't introduced ourselves, since he was geeky and I ever saw him wearing glasses once, he was sexy. Until one day we were trapped in a traffic caused by flood, and we went home together, introducing ourselves. 

After that, we still got the same ride. But I felt nothing towards him, even when we've talked a lot and I know he has brain, look, and attitude. This man is, seriously, handsome, and religious, you girls must be running for him.

But no, I don't. I feel nothing but being his friend. I even planned to match him with my friend who looks for a Sumatranese man, because she has equal beauty compared to this man.

My conclusion is: love is really a natural thing. Just because the person is our type, doesn't mean our hearts will be won like turning the palm over. Meanwhile, even though the person is not our type, when it comes to love, we'll just love. That naturally.

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